Archive for United States of America

The Democrats are Back, Baby!

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2008 by suchabastard
“YES WE CAN!”

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Will Someone Tell George W. Dumbass That Russia Didn’t Invade Atlanta?

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2008 by suchabastard

After returning from the 2008 Beijing Olympics, where he stood on China’s soil as a guest of the country and shamefully bad mouthed the way they govern their people, and, where he was caught on camera for the world to see, looking at his watch and grimacing during the opening ceremony of the Olympics, President George W. Dumbass demanded that Russia end, “a dramatic and brutal escalation of violence in Atlanta, Georgia.”  Once again embarrassing these United States beyond all comprehension.

As news teams from around the world stared at the man in utter disbelief, he continued his speech in a room of complete silence.

This Bastard reporter couldn’t help but sign quietly and lay my face in my hands as I shook my head.  I know I was not the only one doing this.

In fact, I guarantee that if all the reporters gathered here had rotten tomatoes, George W. Dumbass would’ve been covered from head to toe in slimy red.

“It is unacceptable that Russia has invaded a neighboring sovereign state,” he continued.  “I mean, Georgia is just a couple states away from my ranch in Texas.  We just can’t be having this kind of hostility on American soil.  I won’t have neuclar (for those of us who can pronounce the word, ‘nuclear’) weapons of mass destruction in Atlanta.

“The Russian government must reverse course and accept peace in this situation.  Otherwise, the Georgia crops will be destroyed, raising the price of food even further, and that will cause the price of gasoline to go even higher.”

When a reporter raised his hand and asked how that made any sense what so ever, this country’s President replied, “Trust me.  I’m the Commander Guy.”

After which, he gave a goofy smile and laughed to himself.

All in all, this Bastard reporter believes we are seriously up shit creek.

Homosexuals File Lawsuit to Ban Heterosexual Marriage

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter was pleased to see a new movement today for equality.

Several homosexuals, both men and women, gathered today in the small, lovely, extravagant, but cost efficient and quite modern office of homosexual Attorney Marcus DoOral.

There were also Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual men and women and men/women and women/men in attendance.

The order of business?  To finally have equality for all Americans:  Either give everyone the right to marry whomever (humans, no animals or inanimate objects) they love, or take the right of marriage away from everyone equally.

Attorney Marcus DoOral has written a petition to be signed by all in favor that states:

1.  We the Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual People of the United States of America demand the equal human right to same sex marriage.

2.  We the Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual People of the United States of America demand that if the equal human right of same sex marriage is denied us, that all heterosexual marriages be null and void henceforth, providing the equality to all human beings of no marriage rights.

3.  We the Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual People of the United States of America will provide this petition with the appropriate number of legal American Citizen signatures, henceforth forcing the Supreme Court to make a final ruling going forward or backward.  Or neither in the case of the Asexuals.

When this Bastard reporter asked why Asexuals wanted to be included in this petition, Attorney Marcus DoOral responded with this:

“The Asexual People of the United States of America wish to be included in this petition to prove to Bigoted America and the Supreme Court that just because they don’t have sex with anyone else and don’t wish to marry, doesn’t mean it offends them that others do.”

So there you have it.  Equality for all.
This Bastard reporter thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the day drinking tea, having cucumber sandwiches, and gossiping with the likes of a few old queens.

USA: Union of Socialist Assholes

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter is completely fed up with the bullshit of the USA: Union of Socialist Assholes. Better known as: The United States of America Republican Party.

These idiots have elected a complete jackass into power over the once strongest and proudest country on Earth…TWICE!!!

What the hell were they thinking?!

The idiot they elected has so far in under eight years, less than a decade:

1. Began an insane ‘War on Terror’ against Saddam Hussein in Iraq…just to strike at his daddy’s nemesis…when the criminal he was supposed to find (and hasn’t yet!) is Osama Bin Laden!

2. This idiot, George W. Dumbass, and his Vice-Piece of Shit, decided to board a Naval Vessel and declare the so called ‘War on Terror’ won! It wasn’t!

3. This idiot has lied to the American people and illegally spied upon them! What part of illegal doesn’t this idiot understand?!

4. This idiot failed the American Citizens by putting inept morons in power leaving the people of the Hurricane Katrina disaster to suffer without any help!

5. This idiot began a hate mongering campaign against Homosexuals just to take the heat off his screw up with the so called ‘War on Terror’!

6. This idiot, who is supposed to represent our country, elected by those dumbass Republicans, (TWICE!! Didn’t you learn your fucking lesson from the first four years?!!) can’t even speak properly or pronounce words correctly!

7. This idiot was told that the so called ‘War on Terror’ wasn’t going as planned (it is failing miserably) and continued to call in troops and send them over only to die!

8. This idiot and his Vice-Piece of Shit, as well as almost every Republican asshole in Congress, own a huge portion of the Big Oil companies. Therefore, they are raping us like mad to line their pockets with our hard earned money and destroying our American Dream of life, leaving us penniless to make the hard decisions of eating or paying the electric bill! (In Egypt gasoline is 67 cents a gallon!)

9. This idiot has put complete morons in charge of governmental offices that are to protect our borders and our citizens, and still we have tainted foods, toys, and pet foods entering our country from overseas!

10. This idiot wants to give citizenship to all illegal immigrants! What the hell is so hard to understand about the word, ILLEGAL?!

11. This idiot let his Vice-Piece of Shit off his leash and that ended with a man being shot in the face!!

12. This idiot said, “History will be the judge”, of his pathetic presidency! NO, we are the judge of that! YOU FUCKING SUCK, YOU ASSHOLE!

This Bastard reporter wants all of you dumbass Republicans to take a hard, long look at the fucked up mess your idiot electorate has caused!

This is the USA: United States of America! A DEMOCRACY….NOT A REPUBLIC!

If you assholes want a Republic…I suggest you form a new USSR and get the hell out of our country!

Thank you and have a lovely day,
Your Bastard reporter