Archive for sex

It’s OK to be Gay!

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 1, 2008 by suchabastard

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Diane Sue Whalen & Donald Roy Siegfried’s Sex Dogs to be Rehabilitated

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 23, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter has learned that Lucky and Buddy, a mixed breed and a Labrador who were Diane Sue Whalen and Donald Roy Siegfried’s sex trained hounds, will both be taken to a no-kill sanctuary next month for rehabilitation.

These poor innocent pooches are now finally receiving the proper kind of ‘puppy love’.

Earlier this month a judge ordered that both Lucky and Buddy be examined thoroughly by a veterinarian to learn if the dogs would be suitable for rehabilitation and eventual adoption into a loving caring family that will not want to use them as bestial sex toys.

The vet pronounced both dogs physically and mentally suitable for adoption.  Then cut their nuts off.

Diane Sue Whalen’s adult son found more than 150 video tapes of her performing sex acts with both Lucky and Buddy, as well as a blue heeler named Merlin owned by Donald Roy Siegfried.

After viewing all 150 tapes because he ‘just couldn’t stop looking’, and vomiting repeatedly, he turned them over to the Tulsa County Sheriff’s Office.

Don and Di were both charged with felony crimes against nature, while only Don was charged with filming the dastardly deeds.

All dogs involved were immediately taken into custody.

When I asked Mr. Siegfried’s attorney how anyone could video tape such sick sexual acts, and more than 150 times, he explained that Don had told him, ‘I just couldn’t stop looking!’

He also told me that while Diane’s son began vomiting while viewing the films, Don Siegfried began masturbating while taping them.

“I know I’m the man’s attorney,” he began, “but he is one sick freak!  And Diane is one dirty kooter!”

A non profit organization, the Oklahoma Alliance for Animals, has said that both Lucky and Buddy are doing quite well and no longer try to hump their human caretakers since being neutered.

The Tulsa County Sherriff’s Office teams with the Oklahoma Alliance for Animals with cases involving animal cruelty.

So if you ever intend to rape an animal, be prepared to face the criminal consequences and the forced humiliation of writers such as myself.

This Bastard reporter is pleased that these two dogs, Lucky and Buddy, now have a second chance at life.

The Oklahoma Alliance for Animals, as well as many other animal care agencies and shelters, need your help.  Send or take them donations or money today.

Well, what are you waiting for?  You can afford it.

Help them, goddamn it!

John Ho Carp Pedicure vs Diane Whalen Puppy Pedicure

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter went to check out the latest in spa pampering:  John Ho’s Tiny Carp Pedicure.

Yes, that’s Carp Pedicure!

These tiny warm water toothless fish from Turkey have been a huge success in the spa industry.

Said John Ho, “I wiwy woff dees feesh!”

And after he stated this, I found someone who could actually speak fluent English.

Said his Americanized employee, “The people come from all over to have their feet pampered by the fish.  They absolutely love it!  I get told all the time how wonderful they feel afterward.  And how much it tickles!”

When I asked about the future of the Tiny Carp Pedicure, she gave this statement:

“Well, we’re not passed the testing stage with full body pedicures yet.  We’ve had some trouble with that one.”

“Such as,” I prompted.

“Well,” she continued, “we had several test subjects get into the pool with the Tiny Carp.  Most were women.  A few men.  Gay or sexually confused I’m sure.”

I asked what made her think that the men must be gay or sexually confused.

“Are you serious?  Think about it.  What straight guy is going to get a pedicure…in a pool with other guys…naked…with a bunch of tiny fish nibbling them?”

I told her that makes sense.  Then asked her what went wrong with the test subjects.

“Well, when you have men and women of different ages and different backgrounds, their bodies are all different as well.  Some tight in some spots, some loose in spots.”

I told her I didn’t quite follow her, and would she just get to the goddamn point.

She gave me vicious look and hatefully blurted out, “The goddamn fish made their way up the old lady’s saggy pussies and the gay men’s loose assholes!  Is that what you wanted to fucking know?  Now get out of here you jackass!”

“Oh, shit!  Thank you!,” I said, and made my way quickly out the door.

As I made my way to a nearby pub, my phone rang.  To my surprise it was Diane Sue Whalen’s son.

He told me that his mother had gotten wind of the new Tiny Carp Pedicure Salon and that she intended to open her own version as soon as she was financially able.

When I asked what her version of the pedicure would entail, he responded with this:

“Mom is still insane.  Counseling hasn’t helped a damn bit.  She wants to open a Puppy Pedicure.”

When I asked him, “What the hell?”  He explained it as such:

“Well, her idea is to have several playpen areas with about 20 puppies in each.  People will get naked and lay on a mat in the center of the pen and let the puppies lick and nibble their bodies.  Oh, and she said that if they have an orgasm, that’s ok, too!

“And Don said he wants kittens with sharp claws for people who are into pain.”

I thanked him for the info, hung up, went into the pub, and drank myself into a stupor.

In this Bastard reporter’s opinion, there are too many sick fucks and not enough good fucks on this planet.

Billionaire Dogs Beware!

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 3, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter received a rather disturbing phone call last evening.

Disturbing because I was 20 minutes into my favorite television show when the phone rang.

As I do not have cable or satellite because of their exorbitant prices, I was unable to pause my program, and therefore missed the cliff hanger ending.

Goddamn it!

However, the call was important, and it’s a good thing I answered.

On the line was none other than Diane Sue Whalen’s son with a new twist to his Mother’s bestiality scene.

He gave me her number and told me to get the full story myself.

The following is what I managed to piece together from notes of our conversation:

Deceased billionaire Leona Helmsley has left $12 million to her beloved Maltese, Trouble, in a trust fund.

Well, she’d certainly be rolling in her grave if she knew that Donald Roy Siegfried and Diane Sue Whalen had planned to pose as pet groomers and use the opportunity to seduce Trouble.

Diane told this Bastard reporter that the plan would’ve gone down as such:

They would make advertising available to the caretaker of Trouble, Leona’s brother Alvin Rosenthal, whom she also left untold millions.

They would make certain to have the lowest bid price, so they could be hired on the spot.

They would take Trouble back to their place and begin spoiling the pup with love and food.

From there, they would entice the dog with sexual acts and gain her affections completely.

Once they have done this for several months, the dog will have fallen completely head over paws for the couple.

Trouble will only want to be around Don and Di and will miss them and cry and whimper terribly when they are not around.

This of course means that Don and Di will have to be around continuously to make Trouble happy, as stipulated by Leona’s will.

Don and Di will move into the estate and begin having their every want and desire met, as well as unlimited doggie passion.

They would instantly have access to Trouble’s millions and a fabulous life in the dog lap of luxury.

There you have it.

This Bastard reporter is once again sickened.  I hope you are as well.

If you are not, then you are obviously a dog fucker and should be strung up by the balls or clitoris, respectively.

*Update:  For new info about the dog’s recovery after these two sick perverts…click here:  “Sex Dogs to be Rehabilitated“.

Donald Roy Siegfried & Diane Sue Whalen’s:

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 1, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter had recently been given a handwritten page from an unfinished and unpublished book by none other than Donald Roy Siegfried and Diane Sue Whalen.

The work in progress was given to me by Diane’s son, instead of a copy of the their video, as I had requested, to make duplicates and sell on Ebay.

I will therefore share with you Don and Di’s romantic adventures as written by them.

Top 10 Ways to Seduce Your Dog:

10.  Rub a little beef liver between your thighs and lay casually spread eagle with your crotch centered on Lassie’s nose.

9.  Smear peanut butter between your human partner’s ass crack and help Fido find it.

8.  Dip your wang in honey and let Fifi have a tongue lickin’ good time.

7.  Pour as many wine coolers down your dog’s throat as possible and when he’s passed out, shove your dong up his ass and get your jollies before he sobers up and realizes what’s going on.

6.  Take your dog out to one of those fancy new restaurants that allow pets and have a lovely supper with lots of praises, deep long kisses, and heavy petting.  When you get home from your date, go directly to bed and have hours of passionate love making.

5.  When you see a stray starving dog on the street, entice him or her with some food.  Slowly coax them into a secluded part of an alleyway and take full advantage of the dog by offering food for sex.  This is known as the ‘Prostitute Doggie’ method.

4.  Take your lovely pooch to the nude beach and go for a long swim together.  Play fetch with a nice soft ten inch dildo until you both become weary.  Lay on the sand under an umbrella embraced and slowly put your tongue in your pup’s ear as you reach down for the gold.

3.  Take a nice long bath with Rusty and don’t forget the ‘water sports’.

2.  Teach Rufus how to gently play with your toys.

And the number one way to seduce your dog is:

Put on a mailman’s uniform and give Fluffy your big package.

And there you have it.  Now this Bastard reporter is going to take some Alka-Seltzer for nausea and go rest a bit.

*Update:  For new info about the dog’s recovery after these two sick perverts….click here:  “Sex Dogs Rehabilitated“.

Homosexuals File Lawsuit to Ban Heterosexual Marriage

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter was pleased to see a new movement today for equality.

Several homosexuals, both men and women, gathered today in the small, lovely, extravagant, but cost efficient and quite modern office of homosexual Attorney Marcus DoOral.

There were also Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual men and women and men/women and women/men in attendance.

The order of business?  To finally have equality for all Americans:  Either give everyone the right to marry whomever (humans, no animals or inanimate objects) they love, or take the right of marriage away from everyone equally.

Attorney Marcus DoOral has written a petition to be signed by all in favor that states:

1.  We the Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual People of the United States of America demand the equal human right to same sex marriage.

2.  We the Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual People of the United States of America demand that if the equal human right of same sex marriage is denied us, that all heterosexual marriages be null and void henceforth, providing the equality to all human beings of no marriage rights.

3.  We the Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual People of the United States of America will provide this petition with the appropriate number of legal American Citizen signatures, henceforth forcing the Supreme Court to make a final ruling going forward or backward.  Or neither in the case of the Asexuals.

When this Bastard reporter asked why Asexuals wanted to be included in this petition, Attorney Marcus DoOral responded with this:

“The Asexual People of the United States of America wish to be included in this petition to prove to Bigoted America and the Supreme Court that just because they don’t have sex with anyone else and don’t wish to marry, doesn’t mean it offends them that others do.”

So there you have it.  Equality for all.
This Bastard reporter thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the day drinking tea, having cucumber sandwiches, and gossiping with the likes of a few old queens.

Brokeback Space Mountain

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2008 by suchabastard

It was one the US Government never saw coming. Such an event that would blow the top off the entire Gay Marriage issue.
A happenstance that would completely eradicate the Sally Kern Gay Agenda hoopla.
Born homosexual on Earth. Brought together in Outer Space.
This Bastard reporter gives you the true story of the broken toilet aboard the International Space Station.
Joey A. and Bobby L. met at NASA’s Astronaut Training Camp.
They became much more than just two of the new members of the International Space Station Orbital Mission. They became lovers.
Relayed from the Bridge of the Discovery Space Shuttle, docked with the ISS, to this Bastard reporter in a small, dull little room behind the main office area of NASA, Joey A. and Bobby L. tell their story:
“So, we met at training camp,” said Joey.
“And we couldn’t take our eyes off each other, “ added Bobby.
“We later found out that both of us were afraid to make the first move,” Joey continued. “It was so funny!”
“Yeah,” Bobby began, “it was also because we were both afraid of NASA finding out that we’re homosexuals. And you know the government’s stand on that. Don’t ask don’t tell. What a load of crap. How stupid is that anyway?”
Joey chimed in, “Really stupid!”
“So,” Joey went on, “we decided to keep quiet and talk with each other once in orbit. That way, no one could take us off the mission. Good thinking, huh?”
When this Bastard reporter asked when and how they decided to make the first move and hook up, I got this response:
“Oh, that,” said Bobby, with a little smirk and giggle. “We, um, decided to meet in the shuttle toilet area.”
Laughing now, Joey added, “Uh, yeah, we were kind of, um, responsible for the broken toilet. That was us!”
Holding back his laughter, Bobby continued, “We kind of got a little involved, if you know what I mean. Uh, and, one thing lead to another, and I kind of put my foot in the wrong place. That was all it took. The toilet was broken.”
“So, you see,” Joey said, “we had to contact NASA and get them to send a replacement piece aboard the Discovery.”
“Besides,” Bobby said, “we got really sick of seeing the straight guys put their waist in baggies and toss them out the airlock!”
“It was so gross,” Joey said. “We were like, ‘Why don’t you guys just use the bucket and water like we do? That way you can still flush the thing!’ But, you know how those hetero guys are. Yuck!”
So, there you have it. The truth behind the broken toilet aboard the International Space Station.
When asked what the new gay couple’s plans are when they return to Earth:
“We’re going to get married in California,” Bobby exclaimed.
“And then, we’re going to go to Space Mountain at Disney World in Florida,” Joey blurted ecstatically.
When asked if they would both pose for a picture, they agreed to do so, only if they could wear their space suits and reenact the famous scene from ‘Brokeback Mountain’.
This Bastard reporter agreed.
All in all, this Bastard reporter had a fun and eccentric experience, along with a donut someone left from the morning meeting.