Archive for people
This Bastard reporter went to check out the latest in spa pampering: John Ho’s Tiny Carp Pedicure.
These tiny warm water toothless fish from Turkey have been a huge success in the spa industry.
Said John Ho, “I wiwy woff dees feesh!”
And after he stated this, I found someone who could actually speak fluent English.
Said his Americanized employee, “The people come from all over to have their feet pampered by the fish. They absolutely love it! I get told all the time how wonderful they feel afterward. And how much it tickles!”
When I asked about the future of the Tiny Carp Pedicure, she gave this statement:
“Such as,” I prompted.
“Well,” she continued, “we had several test subjects get into the pool with the Tiny Carp. Most were women. A few men. Gay or sexually confused I’m sure.”
I asked what made her think that the men must be gay or sexually confused.
“Are you serious? Think about it. What straight guy is going to get a pedicure…in a pool with other guys…naked…with a bunch of tiny fish nibbling them?”
“Well, when you have men and women of different ages and different backgrounds, their bodies are all different as well. Some tight in some spots, some loose in spots.”
I told her I didn’t quite follow her, and would she just get to the goddamn point.
She gave me vicious look and hatefully blurted out, “The goddamn fish made their way up the old lady’s saggy pussies and the gay men’s loose assholes! Is that what you wanted to fucking know? Now get out of here you jackass!”
“Oh, shit! Thank you!,” I said, and made my way quickly out the door.
He told me that his mother had gotten wind of the new Tiny Carp Pedicure Salon and that she intended to open her own version as soon as she was financially able.
When I asked what her version of the pedicure would entail, he responded with this:
When I asked him, “What the hell?” He explained it as such:
“Well, her idea is to have several playpen areas with about 20 puppies in each. People will get naked and lay on a mat in the center of the pen and let the puppies lick and nibble their bodies. Oh, and she said that if they have an orgasm, that’s ok, too!
I thanked him for the info, hung up, went into the pub, and drank myself into a stupor.
In this Bastard reporter’s opinion, there are too many sick fucks and not enough good fucks on this planet.