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The Red House Furniture

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , on May 21, 2009 by suchabastard
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John Ho Carp Pedicure vs Diane Whalen Puppy Pedicure

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter went to check out the latest in spa pampering:  John Ho’s Tiny Carp Pedicure.

Yes, that’s Carp Pedicure!

These tiny warm water toothless fish from Turkey have been a huge success in the spa industry.

Said John Ho, “I wiwy woff dees feesh!”

And after he stated this, I found someone who could actually speak fluent English.

Said his Americanized employee, “The people come from all over to have their feet pampered by the fish.  They absolutely love it!  I get told all the time how wonderful they feel afterward.  And how much it tickles!”

When I asked about the future of the Tiny Carp Pedicure, she gave this statement:

“Well, we’re not passed the testing stage with full body pedicures yet.  We’ve had some trouble with that one.”

“Such as,” I prompted.

“Well,” she continued, “we had several test subjects get into the pool with the Tiny Carp.  Most were women.  A few men.  Gay or sexually confused I’m sure.”

I asked what made her think that the men must be gay or sexually confused.

“Are you serious?  Think about it.  What straight guy is going to get a pedicure…in a pool with other guys…naked…with a bunch of tiny fish nibbling them?”

I told her that makes sense.  Then asked her what went wrong with the test subjects.

“Well, when you have men and women of different ages and different backgrounds, their bodies are all different as well.  Some tight in some spots, some loose in spots.”

I told her I didn’t quite follow her, and would she just get to the goddamn point.

She gave me vicious look and hatefully blurted out, “The goddamn fish made their way up the old lady’s saggy pussies and the gay men’s loose assholes!  Is that what you wanted to fucking know?  Now get out of here you jackass!”

“Oh, shit!  Thank you!,” I said, and made my way quickly out the door.

As I made my way to a nearby pub, my phone rang.  To my surprise it was Diane Sue Whalen’s son.

He told me that his mother had gotten wind of the new Tiny Carp Pedicure Salon and that she intended to open her own version as soon as she was financially able.

When I asked what her version of the pedicure would entail, he responded with this:

“Mom is still insane.  Counseling hasn’t helped a damn bit.  She wants to open a Puppy Pedicure.”

When I asked him, “What the hell?”  He explained it as such:

“Well, her idea is to have several playpen areas with about 20 puppies in each.  People will get naked and lay on a mat in the center of the pen and let the puppies lick and nibble their bodies.  Oh, and she said that if they have an orgasm, that’s ok, too!

“And Don said he wants kittens with sharp claws for people who are into pain.”

I thanked him for the info, hung up, went into the pub, and drank myself into a stupor.

In this Bastard reporter’s opinion, there are too many sick fucks and not enough good fucks on this planet.

Poked in the Brown Eye by South Carolina Bigots

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2008 by suchabastard

South Carolina’s bigoted right wing conservative Republicans just cost their state billions in Gay Tourism.

“Fucking morons,” say members of Oklahoma’s Gay Society.

“They could’ve not been homophobic assholes and made a fortune in gay tax dollars!”

“What does my spending money in their shop have to do with who I sleep with?”

“Well, screw ‘em!  Just means gays will come to Oklahoma to visit.  There’s no gay friendlier place than Tulsa!”

That’s right.  You heard them.  Tulsa, Oklahoma has become a Gay Mecca.

This Bastard reporter is pleased to let you in on a little history of Oklahoma’s Gay Pride.

Just look at this photograph taken in 1953 of Tulsa’s own Golden Driller statue on the first morning of Gay Pride Day:

Since then, the very gayness of the community has grown into an everyday smorgasbord of fashion and color with flare and style and little shops all along the now famed Cherry Street.

Yes, you’ve heard it here:  Oklahoma is OK…with being Gay!

Over the years many others have jumped at the chance to be a part of the Gay Community’s life.

Oral Roberts University went so far as to ‘dress up’ the famous praying hands during this year’s Gay Pride Parade.

Here you see the poster image:

It was just a little bit of color, but it went over so well, they’re now going to have an “It’s OK to be Gay Christian Day!”

There are plans in the works for next year’s Gay Pride Tulsa Driller.

Here is the current artist’s rendition of Tulsa Driller’s upcoming Pride outfit:

So, you see, even though Oklahoma may still be a statehood living in the backwood, it is a state that is extremely tolerant and progressive compared to many others.  Especially South Carolina.

This Bastard reporter promotes tolerance and acceptance of all kinds of people from all walks of life.  So, to the South Carolina bigots, I give you the finger.

Name That M&M

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2008 by suchabastard

As you may well know, the makers of M&M’s  chocolate candies is promoting it’s newest idea:  Custom Message M&M’s.

This is done by sending two messages to the company.  They will place one message on one candy and another on a second piece.  Like so:

You open a bag.  It contains two colors of M&M’s candies.  The purple one reads, ‘Congratulations’.  The pink one reads, ‘Great Job’.

Thus you have half the bag of purple & half the bag of pink candies mixed with both messages ready and available for your occasion.

They have also introduced the new options of having a logo printed on the candies or a photographic image.

This gives the buyer many unique  possibilities.

This Bastard reporter took a random poll of several unimportant people and put together a list of their useless and distasteful ideas for you to use with your next bag of specialty M&M’s.

1.  If you should be leaving a job soon because you absolutely hate it and your boss is a complete asshole:  On a Brown M&M put ‘Eat Shit’.  On a red M&M put a picture of your right hand flipping the asshole off.  (Unless you’re a lefty, and then, who cares what you think anyway, you don’t fit in with the normal crowd and should be ignored completely.)  Leave them on the desk just before you walk out the door for the very last time.

2.  Should you find yourself in prison, get someone to visit you with a bag of M&M’s candies:  On the green ones, have the ‘date’ of the escape plan printed.  On the yellow ones, have the ‘time’ the escape goes down printed.  No one would suspect a harmless bag of M&M’s could lead to jailbreak.

3.  If you want to impress that bit of hot stuff you go to school with:  If you’re a heterosexual male, put a picture of your penis on the purple M&M’s candies and place this saying on pink candies:  ‘Now show me yours’.  This also works with homosexual males and females.  You get the general idea.

4.  When you absolutely have to go to the funeral of that horrible relative you hated all through your childhood and most of your adult life:  Use the pink M&M’s candies to display, ‘Kiss My…’ and then use the red candies to display a picture of your anus.  As the red will most accurately recreate your ‘rosy red ass’.  Place these in a nice large candy dish near the coffin for everyone to enjoy.

5.  On the day that you are counseling your Over Eaters Anonymous Group:  Use the yellow M&M’s candies to display the message, ‘Drop it fatty’.  Use the pink ones with a photograph of the absolute fattest hog you’ve ever seen printed upon them.  If that doesn’t get their attention, nothing will.

6.  Conversely, if you are holding your Anorexia Group:  Use the green M&M’s candies to display the message, ’Breakfast & Lunch’.  Use the blue ones to display the message, ’Dinner’.  Therefore, only the members who chose to eat the green M&M’s will be in the restroom after the session vomiting, as they’ve overeaten again.  Leaving less mess for the janitor to deal with.

7.  When you are Jewish and must attend a Bris, or Circumcision Ceremony, bring a big bag of M&M’s candies for the crowd:  On pink M&M’s use a picture of a little uncircumcised penis.  On red M&M’s use the saying, ‘Hats off’.

There you have it.  Several unorthodox ideas from several despicable people.

I, for one, didn’t care for any of them.  If you should happen to like one of their ideas, feel free to use it, you sick bag of shit.  And do not hold me accountable.

All in all, this Bastard reporter has come to the conclusion that just buying a simple bag of M&M’s chocolate candies at the local market is reasonably the best idea.

*This Bastard reporter has absolutely nothing against left handed people.  I do, however, find the above remark quite hysterical.

Religion Can Suck It

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 14, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter was watching one of the world’s best comedians the other night: Kathy Griffin.

Among her top most famous lines is, “Jesus can suck it!”

Well, not being a religious person, I tend to agree.

So, I’ve decided to take time out of your boring day to bring you joy and enlightenment and explain my reasoning:

1. ‘In the Beginning’ ~ What a stupid way to begin a book! How the hell does any human being (and humans wrote this stuff) know for certain that truly was the ‘Beginning’?

2. It had to take some very talented and imaginative people to write these fairytales. I, for one, would never have dreamed up someone’s wife turning into a pillar of salt. Or a sea being parted by an old man with a cane and stone tablets. Not to mention stuffing all those animals into the ‘Ark’. Give me a break!

3. God created the heavens and the Earth in six days, and on the seventh, he rested. What a load of crap! Science has clearly proven that it took an extremely long time for our solar system to form.

4. God then created the Garden of Eden and placed Adam within it. Complete nonsense. Science has also proven that mankind evolved from lesser species of mammal. There was no Adam plucked from the air and plopped down in the middle of a garden.

5. Adam was lonesome. So, God created Eve from one of Adam’s ribs. This fairytale just gets loonier and loonier!

6. God told Adam and Eve, “Don’t eat the apples from that tree.” So, a serpent (supposedly Satan) told them to go ahead and eat all they wanted. What a load! A talking snake? Just a bit far fetched, eh?

7. Adam and Eve ate the apple…and then could magically see that they were naked and became shy! What the fuck?! That’s some apple! What an imagination someone had to write this gibberish!

8. All religion does is cause wars and hatred. If religion is so great, how does one explain that?

And the list of complete nonsense goes on and on…

So you see, in this Bastard reporter’s opinion, the Bible is nothing more than a large group of fairytales written (and rewritten and rewritten and rewritten hundreds of times over millennia) by a large group of very creative people as a guide for adults to help them live their lives by rules that were pertinent to the days in which they were written.

Just as adults have written (and rewritten and rewritten and rewritten) children’s books to teach youth lessons to live by for millennia, so have adults, in ages past, written (and rewritten and rewritten and rewritten) the Bible to give other adults lessons to live by.

However, so many of the lessons the Bible teaches today are archaic and completely out of touch with modern society.

Therefore, this Bastard reporter believes the Bible should once again be rewritten to include the ideals of this new century and its people.

In fact, it should be totally modernized into an action packed thriller. Something worth reading. Something that tells a good story and uses the truth of science instead of the fairytales of some all powerful being.

I mean, a guy dying and coming back from the grave? Really? Sounds like a horror picture to me. Absolutely phony.

All that’s left for this Bastard reporter to say is, “Let’s take religion out of the Bible! Go Science!”