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Hulu – Saturday Night Live: Update Feature: Star Trek

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 11, 2009 by suchabastard

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Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2008 by suchabastard

It came to this Bastard reporter’s attention, while sitting in first class aboard Delta Flight 123, sipping an iced tea and reading the day’s news on my laptop as I casually glanced out the window from time to time, that we were in fact about to collide with another airplane.

As I braced for the impact and tried my damnedest to keep from pissing myself, I only had one thought on my mind:  ‘How can this happen?’

Once we passed the other airplane, that I later found out was Comair Flight 1520, and I had managed to control my bodily functions long enough for the plane to land so I could race to the in-flight restroom, I went directly to the Captain and Copilot for answers.

The conversation went as such:

“What the hell was that all about?,” I yelled at the Captain.

He turned around in his seat, glass in his hand, alcohol on his breath, and asked me, “Have you ever seen a grown man naked?”

Not knowing how to respond to that, and recalling this very airplane scene, I simply departed the plane and went in search of the nearest Delta Customer Service counter.

The answer I got from the off duty sloshed pilots at the counter chilled me to the bone.

They simply slurred at me that pilots are overworked and overstressed and need to blow off a little steam now and again.

This leads to games of ‘chicken’ on the runway!

As I was told:

The crew of one airplane drinks as many in house alcoholic beverages as they can and radios other planes in their vicinity.

The crew of the second plane gets shit faced as well and the game of chicken is then on.

When I asked about the lives of the passengers aboard, I was told that I ask way too many questions and that hardly anyone ever gets killed doing it.

And should anyone die during a game of ‘chicken’, that’s what the Federal Aviation Administration is for:  To keep the game under wraps and delude the public.

Needless to say, this Bastard reporter will be keeping both feet on the ground from now on.