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This Bastard reporter went to check out the latest in spa pampering: John Ho’s Tiny Carp Pedicure.
These tiny warm water toothless fish from Turkey have been a huge success in the spa industry.
Said John Ho, “I wiwy woff dees feesh!”
And after he stated this, I found someone who could actually speak fluent English.
Said his Americanized employee, “The people come from all over to have their feet pampered by the fish. They absolutely love it! I get told all the time how wonderful they feel afterward. And how much it tickles!”
When I asked about the future of the Tiny Carp Pedicure, she gave this statement:
“Such as,” I prompted.
“Well,” she continued, “we had several test subjects get into the pool with the Tiny Carp. Most were women. A few men. Gay or sexually confused I’m sure.”
I asked what made her think that the men must be gay or sexually confused.
“Are you serious? Think about it. What straight guy is going to get a pedicure…in a pool with other guys…naked…with a bunch of tiny fish nibbling them?”
“Well, when you have men and women of different ages and different backgrounds, their bodies are all different as well. Some tight in some spots, some loose in spots.”
I told her I didn’t quite follow her, and would she just get to the goddamn point.
She gave me vicious look and hatefully blurted out, “The goddamn fish made their way up the old lady’s saggy pussies and the gay men’s loose assholes! Is that what you wanted to fucking know? Now get out of here you jackass!”
“Oh, shit! Thank you!,” I said, and made my way quickly out the door.
He told me that his mother had gotten wind of the new Tiny Carp Pedicure Salon and that she intended to open her own version as soon as she was financially able.
When I asked what her version of the pedicure would entail, he responded with this:
When I asked him, “What the hell?” He explained it as such:
“Well, her idea is to have several playpen areas with about 20 puppies in each. People will get naked and lay on a mat in the center of the pen and let the puppies lick and nibble their bodies. Oh, and she said that if they have an orgasm, that’s ok, too!
I thanked him for the info, hung up, went into the pub, and drank myself into a stupor.
In this Bastard reporter’s opinion, there are too many sick fucks and not enough good fucks on this planet.
This Bastard reporter was pleased to see a new movement today for equality.
Several homosexuals, both men and women, gathered today in the small, lovely, extravagant, but cost efficient and quite modern office of homosexual Attorney Marcus DoOral.
There were also Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual men and women and men/women and women/men in attendance.
The order of business? To finally have equality for all Americans: Either give everyone the right to marry whomever (humans, no animals or inanimate objects) they love, or take the right of marriage away from everyone equally.
Attorney Marcus DoOral has written a petition to be signed by all in favor that states:
1. We the Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual People of the United States of America demand the equal human right to same sex marriage.
2. We the Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual People of the United States of America demand that if the equal human right of same sex marriage is denied us, that all heterosexual marriages be null and void henceforth, providing the equality to all human beings of no marriage rights.
3. We the Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual People of the United States of America will provide this petition with the appropriate number of legal American Citizen signatures, henceforth forcing the Supreme Court to make a final ruling going forward or backward. Or neither in the case of the Asexuals.
When this Bastard reporter asked why Asexuals wanted to be included in this petition, Attorney Marcus DoOral responded with this:
“The Asexual People of the United States of America wish to be included in this petition to prove to Bigoted America and the Supreme Court that just because they don’t have sex with anyone else and don’t wish to marry, doesn’t mean it offends them that others do.”
So there you have it. Equality for all.
This Bastard reporter thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the day drinking tea, having cucumber sandwiches, and gossiping with the likes of a few old queens.