Archive for George W. Bush
This Bastard reporter came across this completely true and unbiased glimpse into the everyday business of the Bush Administration:
Vodpod videos no longer available.
I hope you enjoyed this as much as I.
And that’s when George W. Dumbass threw his arms out and stood spread eagle in the sand and said, “I’m right here, Cheney! Let’s see if you can down play your reputation as a bad shooter! C’mon, let’s see ya shoot my cap off my head without hittin’ my face!”
Unfortunately, he mistook the long lens video camera Cheney was holding as a new fangled military weapon of some sort.
And this is the man ‘some people’ voted for…TWICE!
“Now, again. Which is my right and which is my left?”
During an extremely loud cymbal crash, this man noticed that George had lost all bladder control.
“C’mon baby, it’s not sexual harassment. I’m the president!”
From the look on his face, we knew that George had shit himself.
“George Worshin…no. George Worsh…no. Wait. What? George is worshing who?”
Notice how she hesitates. As if she’d rather kiss the ball than this idiot.
And Condi’s note read, “You heard it! The Longhorns made the touchdown! You owe me!”
“This is not bestiality! I’m Texan! We’re friendly!”
Get away from me you honky cracker, lest I cut ya!
And you wonder how she could marry such a moron and continue to stand by him through all of his stupidity? Answer: Look at her! She’s obviously psychotic!
That about sums it up.
Need I go further?
After returning from the 2008 Beijing Olympics, where he stood on China’s soil as a guest of the country and shamefully bad mouthed the way they govern their people, and, where he was caught on camera for the world to see, looking at his watch and grimacing during the opening ceremony of the Olympics, President George W. Dumbass demanded that Russia end, “a dramatic and brutal escalation of violence in Atlanta, Georgia.” Once again embarrassing these United States beyond all comprehension.
This Bastard reporter couldn’t help but sign quietly and lay my face in my hands as I shook my head. I know I was not the only one doing this.
In fact, I guarantee that if all the reporters gathered here had rotten tomatoes, George W. Dumbass would’ve been covered from head to toe in slimy red.
“It is unacceptable that Russia has invaded a neighboring sovereign state,” he continued. “I mean, Georgia is just a couple states away from my ranch in Texas. We just can’t be having this kind of hostility on American soil. I won’t have neuclar (for those of us who can pronounce the word, ‘nuclear’) weapons of mass destruction in Atlanta.
“The Russian government must reverse course and accept peace in this situation. Otherwise, the Georgia crops will be destroyed, raising the price of food even further, and that will cause the price of gasoline to go even higher.”
When a reporter raised his hand and asked how that made any sense what so ever, this country’s President replied, “Trust me. I’m the Commander Guy.”
After which, he gave a goofy smile and laughed to himself.
All in all, this Bastard reporter believes we are seriously up shit creek.
This Bastard reporter traveled to Austin, Texas, to get the scoop on the new wind power project to bring much needed electricity to sprawling urban areas.
“Ya know, folks think ‘bout the Dallas Cowboys and the Texas Longhorns and all the ‘Big Oil’ in these here Southern parts, but, in ‘round 10 ‘er so years, they’ll be stewin’ on the new ‘lectricity this here plan is gonna have for them. That orta put a bee in their bonnets!”
Not speaking ‘Texan’ myself, I simply tried to follow every other word and piece together a reasonable understanding of what he was saying.
I also wrote down the exact words used in this conversation to let you try as well.
When I asked him what the plan is for this new concept for creating electricity, he gave me this answer:
“Well, ya see young man, we’s gonna take all them Congress folks, Demicrats an Publicans alike, long with all the other big wigs and the no count Presydent hisself, and put ‘em all on top those two hills.
Get the Demicrats and whatnots on one hilltop and the Publicans and their whatnots on the othern. Then, we gets them to start bickerin’ back an forth at ones nother ’ bout gay marriage or sums such, and they’ll power them big windmills out there.
Ain’t nothin’ more powerful than the wind comin’ out the mouth of the evil bunch from Worshington! Ain’t no winds blow any harder than what they’s a spewin’!”
When I asked what all this means for the sprawling urban public, he smiled, spit out some of his chewing tobacco, lifted his cowboy hat, scratched his scalp, and turned to look off into the distance for a short while, as he said, “Well….”
After nearly 10 minutes, when he finally turned back to face me, he completed his thought as such:
“I guess it means they’ll be a drawin’ ‘bout somewhere ‘round 18,000 of them there megeewatts. That’s a gonna light up 4 million ‘er so homes ‘round here, ya know? I think that’s a good thang, don’t you? Perty fancy ‘rithmetic, though. Perty fancy.”
“Shore is,” said Drew Thornley, a policy analyst for the organization, as he sat down next to Mr. Woodson.
“But, ya know what?,” Mr. Thornley continued, “The wind don’t blow an the sun don’t shine all the time! We’s gonna hafta still make use of natral reserces. We can’t has perfek weather all the time. Even in Texas!”
“But we sure got the purtiest bluebonnets ya ever did see,” added Mr. Woodson.
I thanked them both, borrowed a handkerchief from Mr. Woodson to wipe his tobacco spit off my shoe, and made my way to the airport.
All in all, this Bastard reporter is truly amazed that inbred southerners can be creative while mentally incompetent at the same time.