Archive for Child Protective Services

I Rather Like These…

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 21, 2008 by suchabastard

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Scientists Shocked when Rover Finds Life on Mars!

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 31, 2008 by suchabastard

May 30, 2008 –
Early this afternoon scientists at NASA were taken aback when images from the Martian Rover, Opportunity, showed intelligent life on the red planet.
The digital shots beamed nearly 400,000,000 miles to Earth revealed a truth mankind would never have imagined: Michael Jackson is living on Mars!
NASA was stunned. After a brief conference of top scientists and other government officials, a determined team planned to use the Mars Rover for an entirely new purpose… They would interview Michael Jackson.
NASA Officials had the Rover reprogrammed over a 2.5 hour period to accept and relay verbal as well as video communication.
A top official was quoted as saying, “It took some doin‘, but, we got ‘er done!”
Here are some excerpts of the interview that was conducted by none other than television’s own Barbara Walters, who flew in immediately upon revelation of Jackson’s new address.

Walters: “Hewo, Michael. Wong time no see.”
Jackson: “No, no. That’s ignorant. I can‘t understand what she‘s saying.”

Sadly to say it was revealed today that Jackson has, in fact, been molesting Martian children.
It appears that Mars is the intergalatic dumping ground for all unwanted DHS custody children from planets throughout the Milky Way.
When asked about the conditions of the children living on Mars, DHS officials had no comment.
When asked how long they had known Michael Jackson had been living on Mars and about the possibility that he escaped to Mars only to molest more children, DHS officials had no comment and walked out on Ms. Walters.
Ms. Walters did, however, find out that there are no laws on the red planet as of yet, as it has only been a dumping ground for unwanted children. Therefore, Mr. Jackson technically has committed no further crimes.
Jackson was reported as saying, “The kids here really want to play with me. I really want to play with them. What difference does it make if we play naked? The little boys and I have the same parts. Laws against that are ignorant. That’s why I came to Mars. I love to play with children. I’m just a big kid.”
When Ms. Walters spoke with a young Martian boy, he was quoted as saying something completely incomprehensible.
That is, until top scientists cracked his language and revealed his sobbing words, “Please help me! Take him away! He hurts my bottom! And he won’t leave my weewee alone!”
Reporters note: At the time, Ms. Walters did not understand the child’s gesturing of his crotch and anal areas. She took it to mean that he had to go potty. Although, after making those gestures, she was disturbed as he continued his garbled Martian tongue and pointed to the stretch marks around his lips.
“We simpwe must find out what this child is saying,” she said.
At the end of the interview, top government officials decided that what happens on Mars, stays on Mars.
Mr. Jackson’s new Martian Neverland Ranch is located at the end of the Yaw Eno road. Just follow the Yaw Eno road.

*Although there are no laws on Mars as of yet, the Martian Child’s identity was kept secret in case of future litigation.