Archive for cat

Cat Painting?! What the Hell is Wrong with You?!

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter received notice of what I believe to be a horrid injustice to our feline friends.

What is this you ask?  Well, of all things, it’s Cat Painting!  Yes, you read that correctly.

I can’t understand what some people are thinking!  I can’t understand why some people are allowed to live and breath and reproduce!

Cats are born beautiful!  They have lovely fur coats!  They are precious and gorgeous!  Why the hell would anyone paint them?!

If that’s not bad enough, these morons pay upwards of $15,000.00 per paint session and have to have them retouched for new fur growth every 3 months!  What the fuck?!

So here, have a look at what idiots have done to naturally beautiful felines who should’ve scratched their owner’s and the artist’s (if you can call them an artist) eyes out:

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So, to these evil pet owners, I say, “STOP IT!  THIS IS HORRIBLE!  CATS ARE GRACEFUL AND BEAUTIFUL CREATURES WHO DO NOT DESERVE TO BE PAINTED FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT!  THEY ARE NOT TOYS!  THEY ARE LIVING, BREATHING, FEELING BEINGS WHO DESERVE FAR BETTER THAN THIS BULLSHIT!”

In this Bastard reporter’s opinion, there are far too many stupid people on this planet with far too much money to burn.

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A Cat Named Yoda

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 20, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter stumbled across this amazing story just today.

Close to Halloween in 2006, Ted and Valerie Rock were at a local bar in Chicago’s South Side looking forward to a Bears game, when they met they met the cutest little kitten they had ever seen.

He was the last of a litter of eight kittens that the bar’s owner was adopting out to local patrons.

They were told by the gentleman that the kitten hadn’t been chosen because of his abnormal appearance.  He has four ears.  Yes, you read that correctly ~ four ears.

As it was near the October holiday, the bar patrons mistook the kitten’s appearance for something wicked or sinister.

Obviously, they were idiots.

The Rocks, who had several months prior lost their cat of 20 years, took the kitty home and gave him the name, ‘Barfly’.

However, their son decided this name didn’t suit the little fellow and rechristened him ‘Yoda’, after the famous Star Wars Jedi Master, the very next day.

The family agreed that Yoda the kitten did resemble Yoda, the Star Wars character.

The Rock family has taken Yoda to see several different veterinarians to make certain that he will have no hearing impairments.

The genetic anomaly can cause hearing disorder.  Though all of the veterinarians have given Yoda a clean bill of heath.

Mr. Rock says that Yoda is healthy, happy, and is an indoor only kitty.  Although, he was micro chipped for safety’s sake.

He also said that his son and grandchildren adore their kitty and that Yoda gets just as much enjoyment from all the attention.

“He comes running to play with them,” said Mr. Rock.

All in all, this Bastard reporter is pleased that there are some people on this planet who can see beyond differences, physical or otherwise, and share their love.

Click the link to find the purrfect kitty for you:  http://www.petfinder.com

John Ho Carp Pedicure vs Diane Whalen Puppy Pedicure

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter went to check out the latest in spa pampering:  John Ho’s Tiny Carp Pedicure.

Yes, that’s Carp Pedicure!

These tiny warm water toothless fish from Turkey have been a huge success in the spa industry.

Said John Ho, “I wiwy woff dees feesh!”

And after he stated this, I found someone who could actually speak fluent English.

Said his Americanized employee, “The people come from all over to have their feet pampered by the fish.  They absolutely love it!  I get told all the time how wonderful they feel afterward.  And how much it tickles!”

When I asked about the future of the Tiny Carp Pedicure, she gave this statement:

“Well, we’re not passed the testing stage with full body pedicures yet.  We’ve had some trouble with that one.”

“Such as,” I prompted.

“Well,” she continued, “we had several test subjects get into the pool with the Tiny Carp.  Most were women.  A few men.  Gay or sexually confused I’m sure.”

I asked what made her think that the men must be gay or sexually confused.

“Are you serious?  Think about it.  What straight guy is going to get a pedicure…in a pool with other guys…naked…with a bunch of tiny fish nibbling them?”

I told her that makes sense.  Then asked her what went wrong with the test subjects.

“Well, when you have men and women of different ages and different backgrounds, their bodies are all different as well.  Some tight in some spots, some loose in spots.”

I told her I didn’t quite follow her, and would she just get to the goddamn point.

She gave me vicious look and hatefully blurted out, “The goddamn fish made their way up the old lady’s saggy pussies and the gay men’s loose assholes!  Is that what you wanted to fucking know?  Now get out of here you jackass!”

“Oh, shit!  Thank you!,” I said, and made my way quickly out the door.

As I made my way to a nearby pub, my phone rang.  To my surprise it was Diane Sue Whalen’s son.

He told me that his mother had gotten wind of the new Tiny Carp Pedicure Salon and that she intended to open her own version as soon as she was financially able.

When I asked what her version of the pedicure would entail, he responded with this:

“Mom is still insane.  Counseling hasn’t helped a damn bit.  She wants to open a Puppy Pedicure.”

When I asked him, “What the hell?”  He explained it as such:

“Well, her idea is to have several playpen areas with about 20 puppies in each.  People will get naked and lay on a mat in the center of the pen and let the puppies lick and nibble their bodies.  Oh, and she said that if they have an orgasm, that’s ok, too!

“And Don said he wants kittens with sharp claws for people who are into pain.”

I thanked him for the info, hung up, went into the pub, and drank myself into a stupor.

In this Bastard reporter’s opinion, there are too many sick fucks and not enough good fucks on this planet.

And You Thought Di Whalen & Don Siegfried Treated Their Dogs Badly!

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 8, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter is saddened beyond belief and angry as all hell about an article featured in the July 4th thru 6th edition of ‘USA WEEKEND’.

The tile of this article, which is also the cover of the magazine, is, “The Facts About Cats”.

This article tells in no uncertain terms that Americans are abusive and neglectful of their feline friends.

It goes on to explain that cats are treated as disposable animals.  What the hell is disposable about a living being?  Nothing, I say!  The idea of a disposable animal, any animal, just royally pisses me off!

Further, it explains that cats are used in television and radio, movies and books, as the ‘bad guy’ character.  Wherein they use phrases as, ‘I hate cats’, or ‘It’s just a cat’, or some other sick inhumane wording.

The article also explains how cats are used in commercials or movies in hurtful ways for humor.  Such as in the newly released movie, ‘Untraceable’, where a kitten is trying desperately to reach a nearby bowl of milk while her paws are stuck to an electrified mat.  When enough people log onto this website, the kitten is shocked to death.

What the FUCK is this?!  I know it’s a movie and the actual kitten was never harmed in the making of this film, but, for fuck’s sake, you’d NEVER see a movie where a puppy was killed in this manner.  In fact, you’d NEVER see a movie where a puppy was killed at all!

With all that is terribly miserable in this world, and all the heartache and heartbreak going on every minute of every hour of every goddamn day, why wouldn’t ANYONE, ANYONE, want to just take a few moments to sit back, relax, and enjoy the love of a furry little pal, laying in your lap, giving you nothing but complete, undivided attention and unselfish love, and just know for that instant in time that there is a living being who is good, pure of heart, and totally wonderful in every way, who wants nothing more than YOUR complete and utter happiness?

So, I, Bastard reporter, say to those of you who dump your kittens and cats in shelters because they don’t match your new carpeting, or because they are dark furred and you have a new white sofa that shows it, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!  WHERE DID YOU LOSE YOUR HUMANITY?!  WOULD YOU TOSS OUT YOUR CHILD FOR ANY STUPID REASONS SUCH AS THESE?!  YOU ARE SICK, FUCKING SICK, NO GOOD, LOUSY, DAMNABLE EXCUSES FOR HUMAN BEINGS!

Now, for those of you who are reading this and happen to love all animals, as I do, and not in the way that Diane Sue Whalen & Donald Roy Siegfried do, I say, “ROCK ON!”

This has been my wicked rant for the day.  Thank you for reading it.  Now go adopt a cat or kitten from your local shelter.

I’m not joking.  Go now!

GO, GODDAMIT!