Archive for California


Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 13, 2008 by suchabastard


Mars Cracked

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2008 by suchabastard

Come and listen to my story ‘bout a Mars crack head
Snorted all his money…nearly ended up dead
Got himself a robot…started diggin’ in the nude
Found a bit a white stuff…and forgot about food.
Coke that is…
White gold…
Martian “C”…

Now the crack head’s on the run…and he really don’t care
Found himself a million worth in that ol’ crater there
Gonna hop his self a shuttle…and flee the red prairie
And head on back to Earth and into to Beverly…
Hills, that is…
Pimps and Fools…
Nudie Stars…
“The Beverly Crackbillies”

Well, now it’s time to say g’bye…to this ol’ Marshy-en
The cops drove down an alleyway…and found him in a bin
Hope ya’ll learned yer lesson from this here casualty…
And treat your Pimps and Hoes and Dealers with hospitality.
Drop a dime.
Toke a smoke.
Pass the roach.
Ya’ll don’t pass out now, ya hear?

This has been a Crack Hoe Presentation!

Brokeback Space Mountain

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2008 by suchabastard

It was one the US Government never saw coming. Such an event that would blow the top off the entire Gay Marriage issue.
A happenstance that would completely eradicate the Sally Kern Gay Agenda hoopla.
Born homosexual on Earth. Brought together in Outer Space.
This Bastard reporter gives you the true story of the broken toilet aboard the International Space Station.
Joey A. and Bobby L. met at NASA’s Astronaut Training Camp.
They became much more than just two of the new members of the International Space Station Orbital Mission. They became lovers.
Relayed from the Bridge of the Discovery Space Shuttle, docked with the ISS, to this Bastard reporter in a small, dull little room behind the main office area of NASA, Joey A. and Bobby L. tell their story:
“So, we met at training camp,” said Joey.
“And we couldn’t take our eyes off each other, “ added Bobby.
“We later found out that both of us were afraid to make the first move,” Joey continued. “It was so funny!”
“Yeah,” Bobby began, “it was also because we were both afraid of NASA finding out that we’re homosexuals. And you know the government’s stand on that. Don’t ask don’t tell. What a load of crap. How stupid is that anyway?”
Joey chimed in, “Really stupid!”
“So,” Joey went on, “we decided to keep quiet and talk with each other once in orbit. That way, no one could take us off the mission. Good thinking, huh?”
When this Bastard reporter asked when and how they decided to make the first move and hook up, I got this response:
“Oh, that,” said Bobby, with a little smirk and giggle. “We, um, decided to meet in the shuttle toilet area.”
Laughing now, Joey added, “Uh, yeah, we were kind of, um, responsible for the broken toilet. That was us!”
Holding back his laughter, Bobby continued, “We kind of got a little involved, if you know what I mean. Uh, and, one thing lead to another, and I kind of put my foot in the wrong place. That was all it took. The toilet was broken.”
“So, you see,” Joey said, “we had to contact NASA and get them to send a replacement piece aboard the Discovery.”
“Besides,” Bobby said, “we got really sick of seeing the straight guys put their waist in baggies and toss them out the airlock!”
“It was so gross,” Joey said. “We were like, ‘Why don’t you guys just use the bucket and water like we do? That way you can still flush the thing!’ But, you know how those hetero guys are. Yuck!”
So, there you have it. The truth behind the broken toilet aboard the International Space Station.
When asked what the new gay couple’s plans are when they return to Earth:
“We’re going to get married in California,” Bobby exclaimed.
“And then, we’re going to go to Space Mountain at Disney World in Florida,” Joey blurted ecstatically.
When asked if they would both pose for a picture, they agreed to do so, only if they could wear their space suits and reenact the famous scene from ‘Brokeback Mountain’.
This Bastard reporter agreed.
All in all, this Bastard reporter had a fun and eccentric experience, along with a donut someone left from the morning meeting.

The Good, the Bad, & the Gay Marriage

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 1, 2008 by suchabastard

“I’ve never been happier,” exclaimed film writer, director, and producer, George Lucas, to this Bastard reporter.
“I think it’s the ultimate coming together of the good and the bad. The light and dark sides of the Force.
“Besides, I think Vader (Formerly known as ’Darth Vader’ and now known as ’Deirdre Vader’) and Superman make a beautiful couple.
“I can’t wait to walk the blushing bride…at least I’m sure he’ll be blushing under the helmet…down the aisle.”

Ever since the Supreme Court overturned the ban on Gay Marriage in California last week, there has been an abundance of happy couples registering for their given right to marriage.

Said Governor Ahnold, “I don’t agree wit dis gay stuff. But, I do go wit what da law says. I will, derefore, be at da wedding. A lot of peoples don’t know dis, but, da Terminator was a gay rowbot. I jus didn’t ham it up. I also needed da monies for my exwifes alimonies. Here, haf uh Cuban cigar.”
*Editor’s note: Governor Ahnold is almost entirely impossible to comprehend. Great care was taken to quote him word from unpronounceable word.

Creators of Superman were sent a letter asking them to meet to comment about the lifestyle of their all time number one comic book hero. Unfortunately, they’ve been dead for many years and were unable to attend an interview.

Donatella Versace designed the stunning yellow, white, and pink Lord(ette) Vader wedding attire.
While the Fab 5 of television’s own ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’ created the hot little number for Superman.
Television’s sitcom queen, Roseanne, will be tasked with the décor of the Ice Fortress for the reception afterward.

Said Lordette Deirdre Vader, “Never had I thought the day would come when I would finally marry the man of my dreams. With our combined strength, my Hubby and I will put an end to the destructive forces throughout the galaxy and bring order to the Universe.”

“When I met the love of my life,” began Superman, “I just couldn’t begin to understand all the pain he’d been through. What with the Rebel Alliance. Did you know they blew up his Death Star, not once, but, twice? What kind of sick homophobes are they? Can’t they just leave us alone and let us be who we are? We were born this way!”

Bringing up the loss of both of Vader’s homes to the homophobic Rebel Alliance struck a cord within the mostly machine being.

“You know,” he began, “I really don’t think my son, Luke, truly knew that the Rebels were lead by Sally Kern. I don’t even believe Yoda knew it. If they had, I’m certain none of the destruction would’ve happened.
“Sure, there would still be the fact that I lied to myself and to his mother about my sexuality. But, I know now that he and his sister have been able to cope with that. After all, when we had that little spat and I cut his hand off, he forgave me. And I forgave him for thinking that I was truly dead and burning my body. It was very difficult indeed to use the Force and come back after that little screw up. But, here I am, and I love my children very much.”

When asked about his former heterosexual lovers, Superman only had this to say, “I know I had loves in the past. I even have a son with Lois. But, that was a different time. We weren’t as accepted then. It’s like that Brokeback movie. But we get to have a lovely gay marriage!”

Superman’s son will be the Ring Bearer. Lordette Vader’s son and daughter will be in attendance and hosting the reception afterward.

Highlighting the event will be an Imperial Storm Trooper twenty one light saber salute to the two gaily weds.

All in all, this Bastard reporter believes the galaxy is in good hands.