Archive for black

The Red House Furniture

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , on May 21, 2009 by suchabastard
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The World Would be a Better Place Without Al Sharpton & Jesse Jackson

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 10, 2008 by suchabastard

I don’t know about you, but, this Bastard reporter is sick to death of the ‘African American Idiot Brigade’ charging in and running their mouths every time there’s the slightest chance of getting themselves publicity.

“Who is this?,” you ask.  None other than Al Sharpton & Jesse Jackson.

These two buffoons have been putting their noses where they don’t belong for decades!

Every damn time someone says the words, ’black, African American, Civil Rights, or racial’, here comes the ’Idiot Brigade’!

What the hell?  Do they think they’re some kind of super heroes?   That they need to swoop in and open their big fat mouths and spray us with their religiously sanctified saliva?

In the immortal words of the departed Redd Foxx, “Shut up, you dummies!”

These overblown gasbags do nothing but stir up trouble wherever they go.

They are constantly making an issue of race when none exists!

If someone even says the word black on television, regardless that the someone is Martha Stewart, and she’s speaking of a marble counter top, here comes the ‘Idiot Brigade’!

“Oh, no,” they’ll say, “Martha, look at the way the ‘white lines’ intrude upon the pure sanctity of the ‘blackness’ of the marble!

“It’s always the ‘white’ interfering with the ‘black’!  Hallelujah!  Praise the Lord!”

Give me a fuckin’ break!  Who made these idiots the mouths of the Black Community?

So, if you are as fed up with these two morons as I am, then you’ll agree with me whole heartedly that they are both very old, extremely annoying, and it would be better for the entire world if they’d just finally take a dirt nap.

If you don’t agree with this Bastard reporter, then you have just read my article for no apparent reason, except perhaps to piss yourself off and have an aneurism.

Name That M&M

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2008 by suchabastard

As you may well know, the makers of M&M’s  chocolate candies is promoting it’s newest idea:  Custom Message M&M’s.

This is done by sending two messages to the company.  They will place one message on one candy and another on a second piece.  Like so:

You open a bag.  It contains two colors of M&M’s candies.  The purple one reads, ‘Congratulations’.  The pink one reads, ‘Great Job’.

Thus you have half the bag of purple & half the bag of pink candies mixed with both messages ready and available for your occasion.

They have also introduced the new options of having a logo printed on the candies or a photographic image.

This gives the buyer many unique  possibilities.

This Bastard reporter took a random poll of several unimportant people and put together a list of their useless and distasteful ideas for you to use with your next bag of specialty M&M’s.

1.  If you should be leaving a job soon because you absolutely hate it and your boss is a complete asshole:  On a Brown M&M put ‘Eat Shit’.  On a red M&M put a picture of your right hand flipping the asshole off.  (Unless you’re a lefty, and then, who cares what you think anyway, you don’t fit in with the normal crowd and should be ignored completely.)  Leave them on the desk just before you walk out the door for the very last time.

2.  Should you find yourself in prison, get someone to visit you with a bag of M&M’s candies:  On the green ones, have the ‘date’ of the escape plan printed.  On the yellow ones, have the ‘time’ the escape goes down printed.  No one would suspect a harmless bag of M&M’s could lead to jailbreak.

3.  If you want to impress that bit of hot stuff you go to school with:  If you’re a heterosexual male, put a picture of your penis on the purple M&M’s candies and place this saying on pink candies:  ‘Now show me yours’.  This also works with homosexual males and females.  You get the general idea.

4.  When you absolutely have to go to the funeral of that horrible relative you hated all through your childhood and most of your adult life:  Use the pink M&M’s candies to display, ‘Kiss My…’ and then use the red candies to display a picture of your anus.  As the red will most accurately recreate your ‘rosy red ass’.  Place these in a nice large candy dish near the coffin for everyone to enjoy.

5.  On the day that you are counseling your Over Eaters Anonymous Group:  Use the yellow M&M’s candies to display the message, ‘Drop it fatty’.  Use the pink ones with a photograph of the absolute fattest hog you’ve ever seen printed upon them.  If that doesn’t get their attention, nothing will.

6.  Conversely, if you are holding your Anorexia Group:  Use the green M&M’s candies to display the message, ’Breakfast & Lunch’.  Use the blue ones to display the message, ’Dinner’.  Therefore, only the members who chose to eat the green M&M’s will be in the restroom after the session vomiting, as they’ve overeaten again.  Leaving less mess for the janitor to deal with.

7.  When you are Jewish and must attend a Bris, or Circumcision Ceremony, bring a big bag of M&M’s candies for the crowd:  On pink M&M’s use a picture of a little uncircumcised penis.  On red M&M’s use the saying, ‘Hats off’.

There you have it.  Several unorthodox ideas from several despicable people.

I, for one, didn’t care for any of them.  If you should happen to like one of their ideas, feel free to use it, you sick bag of shit.  And do not hold me accountable.

All in all, this Bastard reporter has come to the conclusion that just buying a simple bag of M&M’s chocolate candies at the local market is reasonably the best idea.

*This Bastard reporter has absolutely nothing against left handed people.  I do, however, find the above remark quite hysterical.