Archive for August, 2008

Man, These Cats Are Fly!

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 28, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter found this unbelievable story today:  Cats with wings!

Yes, you read that correctly!  These cats have actually sprouted wings!

In China’s Sichuan Province, during the recent heat wave, these furry little felines began had little bumps pop up on their backs.

These bumps grew quickly into wings, complete with bones and covered in fur!

Feng, the owner of the kitty, believes the wings sprouted due to the stress recent mating season.

Genetic experts say there is absolutely no need to worry.  The wings can form because of Genetic defect, hereditary condition, or poor grooming, but that doesn’t mean that the kitty is in any danger what so ever.

So, for those of you who like pictures of ‘Angel Kitties’…here’s the real thing:

A Cat Named Yoda

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 20, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter stumbled across this amazing story just today.

Close to Halloween in 2006, Ted and Valerie Rock were at a local bar in Chicago’s South Side looking forward to a Bears game, when they met they met the cutest little kitten they had ever seen.

He was the last of a litter of eight kittens that the bar’s owner was adopting out to local patrons.

They were told by the gentleman that the kitten hadn’t been chosen because of his abnormal appearance.  He has four ears.  Yes, you read that correctly ~ four ears.

As it was near the October holiday, the bar patrons mistook the kitten’s appearance for something wicked or sinister.

Obviously, they were idiots.

The Rocks, who had several months prior lost their cat of 20 years, took the kitty home and gave him the name, ‘Barfly’.

However, their son decided this name didn’t suit the little fellow and rechristened him ‘Yoda’, after the famous Star Wars Jedi Master, the very next day.

The family agreed that Yoda the kitten did resemble Yoda, the Star Wars character.

The Rock family has taken Yoda to see several different veterinarians to make certain that he will have no hearing impairments.

The genetic anomaly can cause hearing disorder.  Though all of the veterinarians have given Yoda a clean bill of heath.

Mr. Rock says that Yoda is healthy, happy, and is an indoor only kitty.  Although, he was micro chipped for safety’s sake.

He also said that his son and grandchildren adore their kitty and that Yoda gets just as much enjoyment from all the attention.

“He comes running to play with them,” said Mr. Rock.

All in all, this Bastard reporter is pleased that there are some people on this planet who can see beyond differences, physical or otherwise, and share their love.

Click the link to find the purrfect kitty for you:  http://www.petfinder.com

What Illegal Immigration has done for America

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 19, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter has now seen it all.  With all the bickering in this country about illegal immigration, I finally went to the source:  The illegal immigrants.  More specifically, their children.

What I found is remarkable.  These children have brought with them a wonderful array of skills and knowledge from their native lands.

Of course, the problem they had in their native lands is that they couldn’t afford to put their valuable creativity to work.

Here in America, where dreams are possible, these illegal immigrant children have outdone themselves.

May I present to you:

The Creations of Illegal Immigrant Trinidad Teens Living in New York City.

These talented young men have decided that it wasn’t fair for their older siblings to drive around in their automobiles listening to over priced, over the top sound systems that could blow the windows out of the 9th story of any building.

Therefore, they decided to use their creative, native talents brought with them to America illegally, and design a new age sound system to rival any other.

These are the products of their machinations:

The world’s loudest pimped out bicycles.

Won’t they look utterly fantastic slowly riding around, trying their very best not to topple the weighed down cycle frame, whilst listening to music blaring so loudly that they’ve all had to turn their hip new hearing aides down?

Absolutely!  What the hell could be any cooler?!

All in all, leaving this Bastard reporter wondering:  Just what has happened to this once great country of ours?

The Worst President in History (In Pictures!)

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 15, 2008 by suchabastard

And that’s when George W. Dumbass threw his arms out and stood spread eagle in the sand and said, “I’m right here, Cheney!  Let’s see if you can down play your reputation as a bad shooter!  C’mon, let’s see ya shoot my cap off my head without hittin’ my face!”
Unfortunately, he mistook the long lens video camera Cheney was holding as a new fangled military weapon of some sort.
And this is the man ‘some people’ voted for…TWICE!

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“Now, again.  Which is my right and which is my left?”

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During an extremely loud cymbal crash, this man noticed that George had lost all bladder control.

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“C’mon baby, it’s not sexual harassment.  I’m the president!”

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From the look on his face, we knew that George had shit himself.

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“George Worshin…no.  George Worsh…no.  Wait.  What?  George is worshing who?”

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Notice how she hesitates. As if she’d rather kiss the ball than this idiot.

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And Condi’s note read, “You heard it!  The Longhorns made the touchdown!  You owe me!”

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“This is not bestiality!  I’m Texan!  We’re friendly!”

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Get away from me you honky cracker, lest I cut ya!

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And you wonder how she could marry such a moron and continue to stand by him through all of his stupidity?  Answer:  Look at her!  She’s obviously psychotic!

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That about sums it up.

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Need I go further?

Will Someone Tell George W. Dumbass That Russia Didn’t Invade Atlanta?

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2008 by suchabastard

After returning from the 2008 Beijing Olympics, where he stood on China’s soil as a guest of the country and shamefully bad mouthed the way they govern their people, and, where he was caught on camera for the world to see, looking at his watch and grimacing during the opening ceremony of the Olympics, President George W. Dumbass demanded that Russia end, “a dramatic and brutal escalation of violence in Atlanta, Georgia.”  Once again embarrassing these United States beyond all comprehension.

As news teams from around the world stared at the man in utter disbelief, he continued his speech in a room of complete silence.

This Bastard reporter couldn’t help but sign quietly and lay my face in my hands as I shook my head.  I know I was not the only one doing this.

In fact, I guarantee that if all the reporters gathered here had rotten tomatoes, George W. Dumbass would’ve been covered from head to toe in slimy red.

“It is unacceptable that Russia has invaded a neighboring sovereign state,” he continued.  “I mean, Georgia is just a couple states away from my ranch in Texas.  We just can’t be having this kind of hostility on American soil.  I won’t have neuclar (for those of us who can pronounce the word, ‘nuclear’) weapons of mass destruction in Atlanta.

“The Russian government must reverse course and accept peace in this situation.  Otherwise, the Georgia crops will be destroyed, raising the price of food even further, and that will cause the price of gasoline to go even higher.”

When a reporter raised his hand and asked how that made any sense what so ever, this country’s President replied, “Trust me.  I’m the Commander Guy.”

After which, he gave a goofy smile and laughed to himself.

All in all, this Bastard reporter believes we are seriously up shit creek.

New 2008 Olympics Stadium in Beijing

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 7, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter is going to keep this one short, simple, and sweet.

The new Olympics Stadium in Beijing:

Am I the only one, or does this look like a giant toilet seat to anyone else?  I mean, really! What the hell were these people thinking?! I guess if Paul Bunion needs a place to take a dump, it’d be the perfect spot as no one would notice the smell over Beijing’s already toxic atmosphere!

And don’t forget to wash your hands with this giant bar of soap:

What is wrong with them?!

It’s a wonder why we’ve received so many dangerous products from China!  These people can build a harmless giant toilet seat and a huge bar of Dial, but they can’t make decent pet foods and children’s toys?  What the fuck?!

I, for one, will not be watching the Olympics.

However, this Bastard reporter does wish the American Athletes (the ones not on illegal drugs) the best of luck.

Paris Hilton for President 2008

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 6, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter has decided to give you a short video instead of a story.  So, enjoy it!

Vodpod videos no longer available.