Mr. Simmons Goes to Washington

This Bastard reporter took a fieldtrip today and was lucky enough to happen upon a crowd of reporters on Capitol Hill listening to a speaker address the House Education and Labor Committee.

So, I decided I would listen as well, and this is what I heard:

“I want to have the respect of a congressman. Well, more respect than that, really.

“I want to talk like a congressman.  But without being two faced.

“And maybe, someday, I’ll be a congressman!  But in much better shape than any my age!,” said none other than 60 year old fitness guru Richard Simmons to whistles and cheers from the audience.

“However I can be of use,” he continued,  “I’ll bust my little buns for this country!  I’ll work my pecks and abs so hard for you people, I might just burst outta my blouse!

“The next President will have to put a stop to our little fatties gorging themselves sick on junk foods!  He’s got to get their little fannies off the sofas and make them do some exercise!  That’s where I come in!

“I’m gonna shove this Congress in the right direction the way I shove food away from a fat lady’s face!  I’m gonna force this government’s hand the way I force a big fat fatty’s hand away from the donuts!  I’m gonna twist up this big country of ours the way I twist the wrist of an obese man with a candy bar!”

There were loud cheers and applause from the crowd, except for the really fat people.

Being somewhat overweight myself, I felt a bit depressed about my size, and decided to make the pain go away with a nice Hershey’s Bar I just happened to have in my pocket.

When a reporter somewhere near the front of the stage asked Mr. Simmons if he would really consider running for Congress, he responded as such:

“If my country wants me, and I mean really wants me, the way I wake up everyday and want to stuff my face until I need hospitalization, but don’t, because I worked so very, very hard to become so very, very thin and gorgeous, then I will work just as hard for this country!”
Someone then asked Mr. Simmons what he intends to do immediately following this stage address to prepare himself for the possibility of a Congressional position.

“After this hearing, I will go home, I will talk with my Dalmatian dogs, I will pray to God, and then I’ll see what else I can do to help the fat, fat fatties of this great country!”

Then Mr. Simmons took several bows to a standing ovation and skipped, danced, and leapt off the stage, exiting left.

All in all, considering the fat cats in power, this Bastard reporter believes Richard Simmons to be an excellent candidate to shore up Congress.


2 Responses to “Mr. Simmons Goes to Washington”

  1. OMG, that last picture explains the phenomenon that has always intrigued me… front butt. I have always wondered how that worked! The belly splits into two bellies. That is really gross, yet, I cant stop looking!

  2. ROFLMAO, The last pic reminds me of Andrews mother ;]

    I hate her D<
    She’s a drunk and she’s not the least bit smart.

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