Texas Approves Nation’s Largest Wind Project

This Bastard reporter traveled to Austin, Texas, to get the scoop on the new wind power project to bring much needed electricity to sprawling urban areas.

I met with Patrick Woodson, vice president of E.On Climate & Renewables North America, who had this to say:

“Ya know, folks think ‘bout the Dallas Cowboys and the Texas Longhorns and all the ‘Big Oil’ in these here Southern parts, but, in ‘round 10 ‘er so years, they’ll be stewin’ on the new ‘lectricity this here plan is gonna have for them.  That orta put a bee in their bonnets!”

Not speaking ‘Texan’ myself, I simply tried to follow every other word and piece together a reasonable understanding of what he was saying.

I also wrote down the exact words used in this conversation to let you try as well.

If you are a Texan, it should be especially easy for you.  If you are not, then your guess is as good as mine.

When I asked him what the plan is for this new concept for creating electricity, he gave me this answer:

“Well, ya see young man, we’s gonna take all them Congress folks, Demicrats an Publicans alike, long with all the other big wigs and the no count Presydent hisself, and put ‘em all on top those two hills.

Get the Demicrats and whatnots on one hilltop and the Publicans and their whatnots on the othern.  Then, we gets them to start bickerin’ back an forth at ones nother ’ bout gay marriage or sums such, and they’ll power them big windmills out there.

Ain’t nothin’ more powerful than the wind comin’ out the mouth of the evil bunch from Worshington!  Ain’t no winds blow any harder than what they’s a spewin’!”

When I asked what all this means for the sprawling urban public, he smiled, spit out some of his chewing tobacco, lifted his cowboy hat, scratched his scalp, and turned to look off into the distance for a short while, as he said, “Well….”

After nearly 10 minutes, when he finally turned back to face me, he completed his thought as such:

“I guess it means they’ll be a drawin’ ‘bout somewhere ‘round 18,000 of them there megeewatts.  That’s a gonna light up 4 million ‘er so homes ‘round here, ya know?  I think that’s a good thang, don’t you?  Perty fancy ‘rithmetic, though.  Perty fancy.”

“Shore is,” said Drew Thornley, a policy analyst for the organization, as he sat down next to Mr. Woodson.

“But, ya know what?,” Mr. Thornley continued, “The wind don’t blow an the sun don’t shine all the time!  We’s gonna hafta still make use of natral reserces.  We can’t has perfek weather all the time.  Even in Texas!”

“But we sure got the purtiest bluebonnets ya ever did see,” added Mr. Woodson.

I thanked them both, borrowed a handkerchief from Mr. Woodson to wipe his tobacco spit off my shoe, and made my way to the airport.

All in all, this Bastard reporter is truly amazed that inbred southerners can be creative while mentally incompetent at the same time.

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