Coke Will Co$t You

This Bastard reporter was angered at the stupidity of the makers of Coca~Cola.

The company, in its infinite wisdom, has crunched numbers and decided that because it did not bring in sales that match or exceed the last fiscal year’s amount, they will hereby raise the price of their Coke products after Labor Day.

Their thinking is that because sales were low and the public was purchasing less of their product, they will raise the price and this will make up for lost sales because the die hard Coke fans who are still purchasing will be paying more at the cash register.

Screw the little guy who can’t afford it unless it’s on sale now.  Guess you’ll just have to switch to iced tea!

However, there is one positive from this Coca~Cola catastrophe:

Dealers of the drug known as ‘Coke’ have decided to follow the soft drink company’s example and raise the street price of the narcotic.

This, according to one ‘Coke’ dealer I spoke with in an alleyway downtown, ‘is a good financial endeavor for all dealers in all states all across the nation.’

When I asked one of his customers, who just happened upon us at the time, what he thought of the price of ‘Coke’ going up after Labor Day, he responded as such:

“Well, I don’t really drink it.  But, I guess a lot of people will pissed off.  Oh, you mean this ‘Coke’?  Oh, I guess it’s ok.  I’ve been buying for like…ever…and the price has to go up sometime.  Doesn’t it?  Doesn’t everything?  At least it’s still cheaper to buy ‘Coke’ than to buy a tank of gas.  And it goes a lot farther, too.”

“Yeah,” said the dealer, “this Coca~Cola price gouging thing is the real ticket!  I love it!  If you need to make more money, just screw the customer.  At least that’s what a whore told me once!”

Then he laughed at his own joke.

I pretended to laugh, as not to anger him and get stabbed, thanked him for his time, turned down his offer of a two for one sale of his narcotics, thanked him very much for the offer, and left the alleyway quickly.

As I made my way down the sidewalk, one of the prostitutes who had overheard my interview told me this:

“Man, I sure as shit ain’t payin’ anymore for no damn Coke drink.  Shit costs too much as it is!

I’s just gonna have to pay what (the dealer) want for my ‘Coke’ though, ‘cause I can’t do wit out it!  Guess I’m a hafta raise my damn price again.  Charge them fuckers more to get up in my business.  Know what I’m sayin’?”

I told her I understood her completely, thanked her for her quote, and hurried down the sidewalk.

I would’ve listened to her a bit longer, but her two yellow teeth and five inch finger nails combined with her very tight clothes on her very large body, and hair that obviously hasn’t been washed in a month, began to make me very sick to my stomach.

All in all this Bastard reporter has proven that regardless of product, be it ‘Coke’ or ‘Coke’, upping the cost has an impact on the whole of society.

Raising the price out of greed is not the best option.  It would be better to lower the price and attract more business to achieve your financial goals.


3 Responses to “Coke Will Co$t You”

  1. Thanks for posting the article, was certainly a great read!

  2. Um, I guess you aren’t a “user” because everyone knows the price of coke went up LAST year. An 8 ball used to be $200, NOW… shit, don’t even ask. As for the soda, don’t care… just keep the price of Miller Lite fixed… pleeeeze!

  3. Maybe Coca Cola should put cocaine back into its formula. At least then it would be worth it!

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