Archive for July, 2008

Drunken Women Force Charter Flight Landing

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 29, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter just received breaking news from an old chum in Berlin.

It would seem that two British women, Edina Monsoon, allegedly age 37 and Patsy Stone, allegedly age 42, went on a drunken rampage while on flight from Greece to Manchester, England.

The cause of this flight interfering ruckus?

The flight attendant denied them alcohol.

I managed to get both Edina and Patsy on the phone in a three way conversation.

Here is the conversation:

“Eddy, Eddy, Eddy,” said Patsy, “I’ll do the interview.”

“No, darling,” replied Edina, “I want to do the interview, too.  But, you go first, ok, darling?”
“Right, sweetie,” said Patsy.

“That bitch troll attendant wouldn’t give us any more booze!, “ exclaimed Patsy.

“Right, darling,” started Edina, “That’s when you went bollocking mad and hit her with your empty vodka bottle.  Isn‘t it, darling?”

“Well, you were the one,” snarled Patsy, “who tried to open the emergency exit, Eddy!”

“Sweetie, darling,” Edina exclaimed, “the damn attendant smelled, sweetie!  I was trying to get some fresh air before I passed out!”

“Oh, oh, right darling, “ began Patsy, “The piece of dribble piss smelled like an old prostitute’s vagina!”

“Yes, Sweetie,” said Edina, “And that’s when you, Pats, you tried to open the door to the cockpit and take over the plane.  Remember, darling?”

“Oh, Eddy,” Patsy exclaimed, “If only those bastards hadn’t forced us back into our seats!  I could’ve flown that plane!”

“And those bloody German policemen everywhere, darling!, “ shouted Edina.  “Takin’ us into bloody police custody!  Darling, do they not know who we are?  Do they not know that I am and always will be PR?  Do they not know that you run one of the top…”

THE TOP, Eddy!, “ Patsy cut in, “THE TOP!

“Right, Sweetie, “continued Edina, “That you run the top fashion magazine known to man?!

“I mean, who the bloody hell do they think they are?!”

“Those pieces of filth!,” screeched Patsy.

“At least they did finally release us, darling,” sighed Edina.

“Yes, Eddy,” replied Patsy, “But now you have to listen to that bitch troll daughter of yours.  Remember Eddy, remember what I told you?!  Abort!  Abort, abort, abort!”

“I know, darling, “ Edina whined, “but, I couldn’t very well abort her after she’d been born, now could I, darling?  I mean, with the doctor standing right there holding the baby, darling, and you shouting at him to abort her.”

“Bloody bastard doctor!,” shouted Patsy.  “I should’ve done it myself!”

That’s when I knew that it was time to end this conference call, and thanked them for their time.

“Right, cheers, thanks a lot,” responded Patsy.

“Thank you for getting our side of the story, darling,” said Edina.  “You know, the true side of it, Sweetie.

“And can I just say one more thing?  You can’t buy happiness, darling!  You just can’t!”

“But you can bloody well charge it!,” shouted Patsy.

“Quite Right!  Cheers, Pats!,” responded Edina.

After that interview, this Bastard reporter believes a quick run to the liquor store isn’t such a bad idea.

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Mr. Simmons Goes to Washington

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 25, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter took a fieldtrip today and was lucky enough to happen upon a crowd of reporters on Capitol Hill listening to a speaker address the House Education and Labor Committee.

So, I decided I would listen as well, and this is what I heard:

“I want to have the respect of a congressman. Well, more respect than that, really.

“I want to talk like a congressman.  But without being two faced.

“And maybe, someday, I’ll be a congressman!  But in much better shape than any my age!,” said none other than 60 year old fitness guru Richard Simmons to whistles and cheers from the audience.

“However I can be of use,” he continued,  “I’ll bust my little buns for this country!  I’ll work my pecks and abs so hard for you people, I might just burst outta my blouse!

“The next President will have to put a stop to our little fatties gorging themselves sick on junk foods!  He’s got to get their little fannies off the sofas and make them do some exercise!  That’s where I come in!

“I’m gonna shove this Congress in the right direction the way I shove food away from a fat lady’s face!  I’m gonna force this government’s hand the way I force a big fat fatty’s hand away from the donuts!  I’m gonna twist up this big country of ours the way I twist the wrist of an obese man with a candy bar!”

There were loud cheers and applause from the crowd, except for the really fat people.

Being somewhat overweight myself, I felt a bit depressed about my size, and decided to make the pain go away with a nice Hershey’s Bar I just happened to have in my pocket.

When a reporter somewhere near the front of the stage asked Mr. Simmons if he would really consider running for Congress, he responded as such:

“If my country wants me, and I mean really wants me, the way I wake up everyday and want to stuff my face until I need hospitalization, but don’t, because I worked so very, very hard to become so very, very thin and gorgeous, then I will work just as hard for this country!”
Someone then asked Mr. Simmons what he intends to do immediately following this stage address to prepare himself for the possibility of a Congressional position.

“After this hearing, I will go home, I will talk with my Dalmatian dogs, I will pray to God, and then I’ll see what else I can do to help the fat, fat fatties of this great country!”

Then Mr. Simmons took several bows to a standing ovation and skipped, danced, and leapt off the stage, exiting left.

All in all, considering the fat cats in power, this Bastard reporter believes Richard Simmons to be an excellent candidate to shore up Congress.

Diane Sue Whalen & Donald Roy Siegfried’s Sex Dogs to be Rehabilitated

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 23, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter has learned that Lucky and Buddy, a mixed breed and a Labrador who were Diane Sue Whalen and Donald Roy Siegfried’s sex trained hounds, will both be taken to a no-kill sanctuary next month for rehabilitation.

These poor innocent pooches are now finally receiving the proper kind of ‘puppy love’.

Earlier this month a judge ordered that both Lucky and Buddy be examined thoroughly by a veterinarian to learn if the dogs would be suitable for rehabilitation and eventual adoption into a loving caring family that will not want to use them as bestial sex toys.

The vet pronounced both dogs physically and mentally suitable for adoption.  Then cut their nuts off.

Diane Sue Whalen’s adult son found more than 150 video tapes of her performing sex acts with both Lucky and Buddy, as well as a blue heeler named Merlin owned by Donald Roy Siegfried.

After viewing all 150 tapes because he ‘just couldn’t stop looking’, and vomiting repeatedly, he turned them over to the Tulsa County Sheriff’s Office.

Don and Di were both charged with felony crimes against nature, while only Don was charged with filming the dastardly deeds.

All dogs involved were immediately taken into custody.

When I asked Mr. Siegfried’s attorney how anyone could video tape such sick sexual acts, and more than 150 times, he explained that Don had told him, ‘I just couldn’t stop looking!’

He also told me that while Diane’s son began vomiting while viewing the films, Don Siegfried began masturbating while taping them.

“I know I’m the man’s attorney,” he began, “but he is one sick freak!  And Diane is one dirty kooter!”

A non profit organization, the Oklahoma Alliance for Animals, has said that both Lucky and Buddy are doing quite well and no longer try to hump their human caretakers since being neutered.

The Tulsa County Sherriff’s Office teams with the Oklahoma Alliance for Animals with cases involving animal cruelty.

So if you ever intend to rape an animal, be prepared to face the criminal consequences and the forced humiliation of writers such as myself.

This Bastard reporter is pleased that these two dogs, Lucky and Buddy, now have a second chance at life.

The Oklahoma Alliance for Animals, as well as many other animal care agencies and shelters, need your help.  Send or take them donations or money today.

Well, what are you waiting for?  You can afford it.

Help them, goddamn it!

John Ho Carp Pedicure vs Diane Whalen Puppy Pedicure

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter went to check out the latest in spa pampering:  John Ho’s Tiny Carp Pedicure.

Yes, that’s Carp Pedicure!

These tiny warm water toothless fish from Turkey have been a huge success in the spa industry.

Said John Ho, “I wiwy woff dees feesh!”

And after he stated this, I found someone who could actually speak fluent English.

Said his Americanized employee, “The people come from all over to have their feet pampered by the fish.  They absolutely love it!  I get told all the time how wonderful they feel afterward.  And how much it tickles!”

When I asked about the future of the Tiny Carp Pedicure, she gave this statement:

“Well, we’re not passed the testing stage with full body pedicures yet.  We’ve had some trouble with that one.”

“Such as,” I prompted.

“Well,” she continued, “we had several test subjects get into the pool with the Tiny Carp.  Most were women.  A few men.  Gay or sexually confused I’m sure.”

I asked what made her think that the men must be gay or sexually confused.

“Are you serious?  Think about it.  What straight guy is going to get a pedicure…in a pool with other guys…naked…with a bunch of tiny fish nibbling them?”

I told her that makes sense.  Then asked her what went wrong with the test subjects.

“Well, when you have men and women of different ages and different backgrounds, their bodies are all different as well.  Some tight in some spots, some loose in spots.”

I told her I didn’t quite follow her, and would she just get to the goddamn point.

She gave me vicious look and hatefully blurted out, “The goddamn fish made their way up the old lady’s saggy pussies and the gay men’s loose assholes!  Is that what you wanted to fucking know?  Now get out of here you jackass!”

“Oh, shit!  Thank you!,” I said, and made my way quickly out the door.

As I made my way to a nearby pub, my phone rang.  To my surprise it was Diane Sue Whalen’s son.

He told me that his mother had gotten wind of the new Tiny Carp Pedicure Salon and that she intended to open her own version as soon as she was financially able.

When I asked what her version of the pedicure would entail, he responded with this:

“Mom is still insane.  Counseling hasn’t helped a damn bit.  She wants to open a Puppy Pedicure.”

When I asked him, “What the hell?”  He explained it as such:

“Well, her idea is to have several playpen areas with about 20 puppies in each.  People will get naked and lay on a mat in the center of the pen and let the puppies lick and nibble their bodies.  Oh, and she said that if they have an orgasm, that’s ok, too!

“And Don said he wants kittens with sharp claws for people who are into pain.”

I thanked him for the info, hung up, went into the pub, and drank myself into a stupor.

In this Bastard reporter’s opinion, there are too many sick fucks and not enough good fucks on this planet.

Texas Approves Nation’s Largest Wind Project

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 18, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter traveled to Austin, Texas, to get the scoop on the new wind power project to bring much needed electricity to sprawling urban areas.

I met with Patrick Woodson, vice president of E.On Climate & Renewables North America, who had this to say:

“Ya know, folks think ‘bout the Dallas Cowboys and the Texas Longhorns and all the ‘Big Oil’ in these here Southern parts, but, in ‘round 10 ‘er so years, they’ll be stewin’ on the new ‘lectricity this here plan is gonna have for them.  That orta put a bee in their bonnets!”

Not speaking ‘Texan’ myself, I simply tried to follow every other word and piece together a reasonable understanding of what he was saying.

I also wrote down the exact words used in this conversation to let you try as well.

If you are a Texan, it should be especially easy for you.  If you are not, then your guess is as good as mine.

When I asked him what the plan is for this new concept for creating electricity, he gave me this answer:

“Well, ya see young man, we’s gonna take all them Congress folks, Demicrats an Publicans alike, long with all the other big wigs and the no count Presydent hisself, and put ‘em all on top those two hills.

Get the Demicrats and whatnots on one hilltop and the Publicans and their whatnots on the othern.  Then, we gets them to start bickerin’ back an forth at ones nother ’ bout gay marriage or sums such, and they’ll power them big windmills out there.

Ain’t nothin’ more powerful than the wind comin’ out the mouth of the evil bunch from Worshington!  Ain’t no winds blow any harder than what they’s a spewin’!”

When I asked what all this means for the sprawling urban public, he smiled, spit out some of his chewing tobacco, lifted his cowboy hat, scratched his scalp, and turned to look off into the distance for a short while, as he said, “Well….”

After nearly 10 minutes, when he finally turned back to face me, he completed his thought as such:

“I guess it means they’ll be a drawin’ ‘bout somewhere ‘round 18,000 of them there megeewatts.  That’s a gonna light up 4 million ‘er so homes ‘round here, ya know?  I think that’s a good thang, don’t you?  Perty fancy ‘rithmetic, though.  Perty fancy.”

“Shore is,” said Drew Thornley, a policy analyst for the organization, as he sat down next to Mr. Woodson.

“But, ya know what?,” Mr. Thornley continued, “The wind don’t blow an the sun don’t shine all the time!  We’s gonna hafta still make use of natral reserces.  We can’t has perfek weather all the time.  Even in Texas!”

“But we sure got the purtiest bluebonnets ya ever did see,” added Mr. Woodson.

I thanked them both, borrowed a handkerchief from Mr. Woodson to wipe his tobacco spit off my shoe, and made my way to the airport.

All in all, this Bastard reporter is truly amazed that inbred southerners can be creative while mentally incompetent at the same time.

Coke Will Co$t You

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 17, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter was angered at the stupidity of the makers of Coca~Cola.

The company, in its infinite wisdom, has crunched numbers and decided that because it did not bring in sales that match or exceed the last fiscal year’s amount, they will hereby raise the price of their Coke products after Labor Day.

Their thinking is that because sales were low and the public was purchasing less of their product, they will raise the price and this will make up for lost sales because the die hard Coke fans who are still purchasing will be paying more at the cash register.

Screw the little guy who can’t afford it unless it’s on sale now.  Guess you’ll just have to switch to iced tea!

However, there is one positive from this Coca~Cola catastrophe:

Dealers of the drug known as ‘Coke’ have decided to follow the soft drink company’s example and raise the street price of the narcotic.

This, according to one ‘Coke’ dealer I spoke with in an alleyway downtown, ‘is a good financial endeavor for all dealers in all states all across the nation.’

When I asked one of his customers, who just happened upon us at the time, what he thought of the price of ‘Coke’ going up after Labor Day, he responded as such:

“Well, I don’t really drink it.  But, I guess a lot of people will pissed off.  Oh, you mean this ‘Coke’?  Oh, I guess it’s ok.  I’ve been buying for like…ever…and the price has to go up sometime.  Doesn’t it?  Doesn’t everything?  At least it’s still cheaper to buy ‘Coke’ than to buy a tank of gas.  And it goes a lot farther, too.”

“Yeah,” said the dealer, “this Coca~Cola price gouging thing is the real ticket!  I love it!  If you need to make more money, just screw the customer.  At least that’s what a whore told me once!”

Then he laughed at his own joke.

I pretended to laugh, as not to anger him and get stabbed, thanked him for his time, turned down his offer of a two for one sale of his narcotics, thanked him very much for the offer, and left the alleyway quickly.

As I made my way down the sidewalk, one of the prostitutes who had overheard my interview told me this:

“Man, I sure as shit ain’t payin’ anymore for no damn Coke drink.  Shit costs too much as it is!

I’s just gonna have to pay what (the dealer) want for my ‘Coke’ though, ‘cause I can’t do wit out it!  Guess I’m a hafta raise my damn price again.  Charge them fuckers more to get up in my business.  Know what I’m sayin’?”

I told her I understood her completely, thanked her for her quote, and hurried down the sidewalk.

I would’ve listened to her a bit longer, but her two yellow teeth and five inch finger nails combined with her very tight clothes on her very large body, and hair that obviously hasn’t been washed in a month, began to make me very sick to my stomach.

All in all this Bastard reporter has proven that regardless of product, be it ‘Coke’ or ‘Coke’, upping the cost has an impact on the whole of society.

Raising the price out of greed is not the best option.  It would be better to lower the price and attract more business to achieve your financial goals.

Poked in the Brown Eye by South Carolina Bigots

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2008 by suchabastard

South Carolina’s bigoted right wing conservative Republicans just cost their state billions in Gay Tourism.

“Fucking morons,” say members of Oklahoma’s Gay Society.

“They could’ve not been homophobic assholes and made a fortune in gay tax dollars!”

“What does my spending money in their shop have to do with who I sleep with?”

“Well, screw ‘em!  Just means gays will come to Oklahoma to visit.  There’s no gay friendlier place than Tulsa!”

That’s right.  You heard them.  Tulsa, Oklahoma has become a Gay Mecca.

This Bastard reporter is pleased to let you in on a little history of Oklahoma’s Gay Pride.

Just look at this photograph taken in 1953 of Tulsa’s own Golden Driller statue on the first morning of Gay Pride Day:

Since then, the very gayness of the community has grown into an everyday smorgasbord of fashion and color with flare and style and little shops all along the now famed Cherry Street.

Yes, you’ve heard it here:  Oklahoma is OK…with being Gay!

Over the years many others have jumped at the chance to be a part of the Gay Community’s life.

Oral Roberts University went so far as to ‘dress up’ the famous praying hands during this year’s Gay Pride Parade.

Here you see the poster image:

It was just a little bit of color, but it went over so well, they’re now going to have an “It’s OK to be Gay Christian Day!”

There are plans in the works for next year’s Gay Pride Tulsa Driller.

Here is the current artist’s rendition of Tulsa Driller’s upcoming Pride outfit:

So, you see, even though Oklahoma may still be a statehood living in the backwood, it is a state that is extremely tolerant and progressive compared to many others.  Especially South Carolina.

This Bastard reporter promotes tolerance and acceptance of all kinds of people from all walks of life.  So, to the South Carolina bigots, I give you the finger.