Archive for June, 2008

Name That M&M

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2008 by suchabastard

As you may well know, the makers of M&M’s  chocolate candies is promoting it’s newest idea:  Custom Message M&M’s.

This is done by sending two messages to the company.  They will place one message on one candy and another on a second piece.  Like so:

You open a bag.  It contains two colors of M&M’s candies.  The purple one reads, ‘Congratulations’.  The pink one reads, ‘Great Job’.

Thus you have half the bag of purple & half the bag of pink candies mixed with both messages ready and available for your occasion.

They have also introduced the new options of having a logo printed on the candies or a photographic image.

This gives the buyer many unique  possibilities.

This Bastard reporter took a random poll of several unimportant people and put together a list of their useless and distasteful ideas for you to use with your next bag of specialty M&M’s.

1.  If you should be leaving a job soon because you absolutely hate it and your boss is a complete asshole:  On a Brown M&M put ‘Eat Shit’.  On a red M&M put a picture of your right hand flipping the asshole off.  (Unless you’re a lefty, and then, who cares what you think anyway, you don’t fit in with the normal crowd and should be ignored completely.)  Leave them on the desk just before you walk out the door for the very last time.

2.  Should you find yourself in prison, get someone to visit you with a bag of M&M’s candies:  On the green ones, have the ‘date’ of the escape plan printed.  On the yellow ones, have the ‘time’ the escape goes down printed.  No one would suspect a harmless bag of M&M’s could lead to jailbreak.

3.  If you want to impress that bit of hot stuff you go to school with:  If you’re a heterosexual male, put a picture of your penis on the purple M&M’s candies and place this saying on pink candies:  ‘Now show me yours’.  This also works with homosexual males and females.  You get the general idea.

4.  When you absolutely have to go to the funeral of that horrible relative you hated all through your childhood and most of your adult life:  Use the pink M&M’s candies to display, ‘Kiss My…’ and then use the red candies to display a picture of your anus.  As the red will most accurately recreate your ‘rosy red ass’.  Place these in a nice large candy dish near the coffin for everyone to enjoy.

5.  On the day that you are counseling your Over Eaters Anonymous Group:  Use the yellow M&M’s candies to display the message, ‘Drop it fatty’.  Use the pink ones with a photograph of the absolute fattest hog you’ve ever seen printed upon them.  If that doesn’t get their attention, nothing will.

6.  Conversely, if you are holding your Anorexia Group:  Use the green M&M’s candies to display the message, ’Breakfast & Lunch’.  Use the blue ones to display the message, ’Dinner’.  Therefore, only the members who chose to eat the green M&M’s will be in the restroom after the session vomiting, as they’ve overeaten again.  Leaving less mess for the janitor to deal with.

7.  When you are Jewish and must attend a Bris, or Circumcision Ceremony, bring a big bag of M&M’s candies for the crowd:  On pink M&M’s use a picture of a little uncircumcised penis.  On red M&M’s use the saying, ‘Hats off’.

There you have it.  Several unorthodox ideas from several despicable people.

I, for one, didn’t care for any of them.  If you should happen to like one of their ideas, feel free to use it, you sick bag of shit.  And do not hold me accountable.

All in all, this Bastard reporter has come to the conclusion that just buying a simple bag of M&M’s chocolate candies at the local market is reasonably the best idea.

*This Bastard reporter has absolutely nothing against left handed people.  I do, however, find the above remark quite hysterical.


The Snoggle-Bo-Dobble

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 20, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter long ago stored away a short story written by a very talented and creative person:  ME.

And, as it has been a slow day for news, and, as I am certainly in favor of showing off excellent work to the entire world, I am therefore publishing my masterpiece.

This story is wonderful for children.  Print it off and read it to your child tonight at bedtime.

I give you:

The Snoggle-Bo-Dobble
Written by:  Me

Uncle told a story.  Who knows if it’s true?  But as soon as he finished, Daddy said, “Be good little girls or the Snoggle-Bo-Dobble will get you!”

A little while later, with friends all around, it was dark and quiet, there wasn’t a sound.

The stories began, and the children all shook. The stories they told could have come from a book.

“There’s no such thing as a Snoggle-Bo-Dobble, “said Brianna Elizabeth, as far as she knew.

Then Emily Grace chimed in, “Brianna Elizabeth, I have a story, too!  And, it’s true!  It’s true!”

They sat on the ground, and drew in real close.  They all wanted to hear Emily’s story the most.  For she had once seen the Snoggle-Bo-Dobble, and was lucky to be here to chill, wiggle, and wobble.

Brianna shook her head, and Gary made a giggle.  “O.k.,” she said to Emily, “Let’s hear all this dribble.”

“It’s true!  It’s true!,” began Emily Grace.  “He was at least 10 feet tall, and had a green face!  He was flat as a pancake, and had one great big eye. It was bigger than me!  I wanted to cry!”

The children all gasped.  Gary Lee covered his head.  But, Brianna just sighed, saying, “You dreamed that in bed!  The Snoggle-Bo-Dobble was just a nightmare!”

Now Gary was so frightened he started pulling his hair.

Melissa let out a laugh, to try and cover her fear.  “Tell us some more,” she said.  “Where did he come from?  Did he come here?”

Emily looked to the ground, then into her face, “He comes from a land quite far from this place.  He flies through the night on wings that are gold.  He comes to kids’ houses whenever lies are told.”

Brianna jumped up real fast, with her hands on her hips.  She stomped her foot and pursed her lips. “Well were is he then?  With you telling this lie!  He should swoop down and get you!  Swoop down from the sky!”

“Stop it, Brianna!,” Gary yelped out in fear.

“Yes,” Melissa Christine jumped in, “we want to hear!”

“Fine!  I’ll sit and I’ll listen,” Brianna began.  “Even though this is silly!  I guess I can!”

“The Snoggle-Bo-Dobble,” said Emily, “takes kids who tell dirty lies.”

“Then he should come after you,” said Brianna.  “This story’s covered in flies!”

Gary gave Brianna a look sharp as glass.  “What else, Emily?,” he asked, from his spot in the grass.

“He has two great big arms and his body’s all furry.  His teeth are real sharp, so he can eat in a hurry.  His mouth’s really big and his ears are real tall, his legs are all short and his nose is quite small.”

Brianna rolled her eyes and let out a sigh.  “And you believe in all this? I just don’t see why!  Emily tells you this nonsense and you all believe. I’m telling you now, it’s for your parents I grieve.  When they all find out someday very soon, that your brains are all mush and you’re as crazed as a loon!”

“Oh, hush, Brianna!,” Melissa spat out.  “I believe what she says.  I haven’t a doubt.”

“So do I!,” yelped Gary.  “It’s got to be true!  How else could she tell what he looks like to you?”

Up like a flash, Brianna jumped from her spot.  “I’ll make you see the truth with one simple thought!  If the Snoggle-Bo-Dobble did come one night, how then, Emily, did you escape from his sight?”

They looked to Emily, their eyebrows up high.  They looked quite puzzled as they wondered why.  Why that night did the Snoggle-Bo-Dobble not take her away?  Why they wondered did he let Emily stay?

“He didn’t want me.  I’m not who he was after.  That’s why he didn’t drag me to ‘The Place of No Laughter’.”

“What on earth is that?,” Brianna squawked at her.  “This fairytale just keeps growing bigger and bigger!”

“It’s a far off place,” said Emily. “Past where the sun sets.  It’s a place you’d never want to go.  On that I’ll make you bets!”

“And in this place I did hear, is everything that we all fear.  It’s where he keeps you locked away.  You never laugh.  You never play.  Locked in a cage until the day, he decides you’re dinner and whisks you away.  And before he eats you this he’ll ask…”

“Do you know why?,” a loud booming voice behind Brianna did cry.

Brianna slowly turned around to look.  The others only stared and shook.

“Because you told a lie,” said the Snoggle-Bo-Dobble.

Extremely well written, wouldn’t you agree?  I am very proud.

This Bastard reporter’s day has ended on an extremely high note.

Homosexuals File Lawsuit to Ban Heterosexual Marriage

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter was pleased to see a new movement today for equality.

Several homosexuals, both men and women, gathered today in the small, lovely, extravagant, but cost efficient and quite modern office of homosexual Attorney Marcus DoOral.

There were also Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual men and women and men/women and women/men in attendance.

The order of business?  To finally have equality for all Americans:  Either give everyone the right to marry whomever (humans, no animals or inanimate objects) they love, or take the right of marriage away from everyone equally.

Attorney Marcus DoOral has written a petition to be signed by all in favor that states:

1.  We the Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual People of the United States of America demand the equal human right to same sex marriage.

2.  We the Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual People of the United States of America demand that if the equal human right of same sex marriage is denied us, that all heterosexual marriages be null and void henceforth, providing the equality to all human beings of no marriage rights.

3.  We the Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered, Bisexual, and Asexual People of the United States of America will provide this petition with the appropriate number of legal American Citizen signatures, henceforth forcing the Supreme Court to make a final ruling going forward or backward.  Or neither in the case of the Asexuals.

When this Bastard reporter asked why Asexuals wanted to be included in this petition, Attorney Marcus DoOral responded with this:

“The Asexual People of the United States of America wish to be included in this petition to prove to Bigoted America and the Supreme Court that just because they don’t have sex with anyone else and don’t wish to marry, doesn’t mean it offends them that others do.”

So there you have it.  Equality for all.
This Bastard reporter thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the day drinking tea, having cucumber sandwiches, and gossiping with the likes of a few old queens.

Mars Cracked

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2008 by suchabastard

Come and listen to my story ‘bout a Mars crack head
Snorted all his money…nearly ended up dead
Got himself a robot…started diggin’ in the nude
Found a bit a white stuff…and forgot about food.
Coke that is…
White gold…
Martian “C”…

Now the crack head’s on the run…and he really don’t care
Found himself a million worth in that ol’ crater there
Gonna hop his self a shuttle…and flee the red prairie
And head on back to Earth and into to Beverly…
Hills, that is…
Pimps and Fools…
Nudie Stars…
“The Beverly Crackbillies”

Well, now it’s time to say g’bye…to this ol’ Marshy-en
The cops drove down an alleyway…and found him in a bin
Hope ya’ll learned yer lesson from this here casualty…
And treat your Pimps and Hoes and Dealers with hospitality.
Drop a dime.
Toke a smoke.
Pass the roach.
Ya’ll don’t pass out now, ya hear?

This has been a Crack Hoe Presentation!

Religion Can Suck It

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 14, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter was watching one of the world’s best comedians the other night: Kathy Griffin.

Among her top most famous lines is, “Jesus can suck it!”

Well, not being a religious person, I tend to agree.

So, I’ve decided to take time out of your boring day to bring you joy and enlightenment and explain my reasoning:

1. ‘In the Beginning’ ~ What a stupid way to begin a book! How the hell does any human being (and humans wrote this stuff) know for certain that truly was the ‘Beginning’?

2. It had to take some very talented and imaginative people to write these fairytales. I, for one, would never have dreamed up someone’s wife turning into a pillar of salt. Or a sea being parted by an old man with a cane and stone tablets. Not to mention stuffing all those animals into the ‘Ark’. Give me a break!

3. God created the heavens and the Earth in six days, and on the seventh, he rested. What a load of crap! Science has clearly proven that it took an extremely long time for our solar system to form.

4. God then created the Garden of Eden and placed Adam within it. Complete nonsense. Science has also proven that mankind evolved from lesser species of mammal. There was no Adam plucked from the air and plopped down in the middle of a garden.

5. Adam was lonesome. So, God created Eve from one of Adam’s ribs. This fairytale just gets loonier and loonier!

6. God told Adam and Eve, “Don’t eat the apples from that tree.” So, a serpent (supposedly Satan) told them to go ahead and eat all they wanted. What a load! A talking snake? Just a bit far fetched, eh?

7. Adam and Eve ate the apple…and then could magically see that they were naked and became shy! What the fuck?! That’s some apple! What an imagination someone had to write this gibberish!

8. All religion does is cause wars and hatred. If religion is so great, how does one explain that?

And the list of complete nonsense goes on and on…

So you see, in this Bastard reporter’s opinion, the Bible is nothing more than a large group of fairytales written (and rewritten and rewritten and rewritten hundreds of times over millennia) by a large group of very creative people as a guide for adults to help them live their lives by rules that were pertinent to the days in which they were written.

Just as adults have written (and rewritten and rewritten and rewritten) children’s books to teach youth lessons to live by for millennia, so have adults, in ages past, written (and rewritten and rewritten and rewritten) the Bible to give other adults lessons to live by.

However, so many of the lessons the Bible teaches today are archaic and completely out of touch with modern society.

Therefore, this Bastard reporter believes the Bible should once again be rewritten to include the ideals of this new century and its people.

In fact, it should be totally modernized into an action packed thriller. Something worth reading. Something that tells a good story and uses the truth of science instead of the fairytales of some all powerful being.

I mean, a guy dying and coming back from the grave? Really? Sounds like a horror picture to me. Absolutely phony.

All that’s left for this Bastard reporter to say is, “Let’s take religion out of the Bible! Go Science!”

USA: Union of Socialist Assholes

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2008 by suchabastard

This Bastard reporter is completely fed up with the bullshit of the USA: Union of Socialist Assholes. Better known as: The United States of America Republican Party.

These idiots have elected a complete jackass into power over the once strongest and proudest country on Earth…TWICE!!!

What the hell were they thinking?!

The idiot they elected has so far in under eight years, less than a decade:

1. Began an insane ‘War on Terror’ against Saddam Hussein in Iraq…just to strike at his daddy’s nemesis…when the criminal he was supposed to find (and hasn’t yet!) is Osama Bin Laden!

2. This idiot, George W. Dumbass, and his Vice-Piece of Shit, decided to board a Naval Vessel and declare the so called ‘War on Terror’ won! It wasn’t!

3. This idiot has lied to the American people and illegally spied upon them! What part of illegal doesn’t this idiot understand?!

4. This idiot failed the American Citizens by putting inept morons in power leaving the people of the Hurricane Katrina disaster to suffer without any help!

5. This idiot began a hate mongering campaign against Homosexuals just to take the heat off his screw up with the so called ‘War on Terror’!

6. This idiot, who is supposed to represent our country, elected by those dumbass Republicans, (TWICE!! Didn’t you learn your fucking lesson from the first four years?!!) can’t even speak properly or pronounce words correctly!

7. This idiot was told that the so called ‘War on Terror’ wasn’t going as planned (it is failing miserably) and continued to call in troops and send them over only to die!

8. This idiot and his Vice-Piece of Shit, as well as almost every Republican asshole in Congress, own a huge portion of the Big Oil companies. Therefore, they are raping us like mad to line their pockets with our hard earned money and destroying our American Dream of life, leaving us penniless to make the hard decisions of eating or paying the electric bill! (In Egypt gasoline is 67 cents a gallon!)

9. This idiot has put complete morons in charge of governmental offices that are to protect our borders and our citizens, and still we have tainted foods, toys, and pet foods entering our country from overseas!

10. This idiot wants to give citizenship to all illegal immigrants! What the hell is so hard to understand about the word, ILLEGAL?!

11. This idiot let his Vice-Piece of Shit off his leash and that ended with a man being shot in the face!!

12. This idiot said, “History will be the judge”, of his pathetic presidency! NO, we are the judge of that! YOU FUCKING SUCK, YOU ASSHOLE!

This Bastard reporter wants all of you dumbass Republicans to take a hard, long look at the fucked up mess your idiot electorate has caused!

This is the USA: United States of America! A DEMOCRACY….NOT A REPUBLIC!

If you assholes want a Republic…I suggest you form a new USSR and get the hell out of our country!

Thank you and have a lovely day,
Your Bastard reporter

Brokeback Space Mountain

Posted in Such a Bastard with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2008 by suchabastard

It was one the US Government never saw coming. Such an event that would blow the top off the entire Gay Marriage issue.
A happenstance that would completely eradicate the Sally Kern Gay Agenda hoopla.
Born homosexual on Earth. Brought together in Outer Space.
This Bastard reporter gives you the true story of the broken toilet aboard the International Space Station.
Joey A. and Bobby L. met at NASA’s Astronaut Training Camp.
They became much more than just two of the new members of the International Space Station Orbital Mission. They became lovers.
Relayed from the Bridge of the Discovery Space Shuttle, docked with the ISS, to this Bastard reporter in a small, dull little room behind the main office area of NASA, Joey A. and Bobby L. tell their story:
“So, we met at training camp,” said Joey.
“And we couldn’t take our eyes off each other, “ added Bobby.
“We later found out that both of us were afraid to make the first move,” Joey continued. “It was so funny!”
“Yeah,” Bobby began, “it was also because we were both afraid of NASA finding out that we’re homosexuals. And you know the government’s stand on that. Don’t ask don’t tell. What a load of crap. How stupid is that anyway?”
Joey chimed in, “Really stupid!”
“So,” Joey went on, “we decided to keep quiet and talk with each other once in orbit. That way, no one could take us off the mission. Good thinking, huh?”
When this Bastard reporter asked when and how they decided to make the first move and hook up, I got this response:
“Oh, that,” said Bobby, with a little smirk and giggle. “We, um, decided to meet in the shuttle toilet area.”
Laughing now, Joey added, “Uh, yeah, we were kind of, um, responsible for the broken toilet. That was us!”
Holding back his laughter, Bobby continued, “We kind of got a little involved, if you know what I mean. Uh, and, one thing lead to another, and I kind of put my foot in the wrong place. That was all it took. The toilet was broken.”
“So, you see,” Joey said, “we had to contact NASA and get them to send a replacement piece aboard the Discovery.”
“Besides,” Bobby said, “we got really sick of seeing the straight guys put their waist in baggies and toss them out the airlock!”
“It was so gross,” Joey said. “We were like, ‘Why don’t you guys just use the bucket and water like we do? That way you can still flush the thing!’ But, you know how those hetero guys are. Yuck!”
So, there you have it. The truth behind the broken toilet aboard the International Space Station.
When asked what the new gay couple’s plans are when they return to Earth:
“We’re going to get married in California,” Bobby exclaimed.
“And then, we’re going to go to Space Mountain at Disney World in Florida,” Joey blurted ecstatically.
When asked if they would both pose for a picture, they agreed to do so, only if they could wear their space suits and reenact the famous scene from ‘Brokeback Mountain’.
This Bastard reporter agreed.
All in all, this Bastard reporter had a fun and eccentric experience, along with a donut someone left from the morning meeting.